So there it was all of my happy endings had just turned into the darkest day of my life. And I have had some darker days as a young girl, (I will get into that later in my blogging) but for some reason this was supposed to make up for all that I had lost in love as a young girl. This Marriage was supposed to be my happy ending from a life that had been riddled with brokenness. Don't we tell ourselves that though? As young girls... the man we dare to fall madly deeply in love with, to be vulnerable with, will solve all of our problems and be the answer to our prayers. As the young nieve girls of course, that we sometimes revert back to.
M and I met at the start of summer before my Senior year in high school. I was nearly 18 and he was 19. He had brought an end to my life of serial dating. I didn't know it then but I had coined the name "Heart Breaker" in high school. I would date guys for a limited time of 2wks, then move on to the next guy who caught my attention. It wasn't because I was out to hurt anyone...I'm sure it was do to the relationship I had with my father, or lack there of and the fact that my first love -C had broken my heart and no other guy could quite match up.
C was a Senior when I was a freshman in 1990. All the girls wanted him at school, I had no knowledge of him, however...I was too busy swooning over J.E one of the hottest guys on the Varsity Football team.
C and I met one night at the then famous El Loco in Covina Ca. (they filmed a lot of "Night Rider" episodes there and I believe some old "Duke's of Hazard"). C looked very mysterious in his long black trench coat stalky with broad shouldered's. He stood a little over six feet tall and wore black Doc Marten boots. I thought he was Gothic at the time with his pensive stare. He had silky fair skin, high cheek bones and hazel eyes; an alluring strong nose and fascinating lips. His hair was golden brown, he wore the top longer than the sides as it flipped to the side.
(Even though I was only a freshman my dad would make my older sister take me to hang out with her and her friends. This made me more well known in high school. I didn't pay attention much to labels, I just loved hanging out with them. They had become my friends too, like extended family. I would often whine to my dad that life wasn't fair if I couldn't go. He would eventually grow tired of hearing me grope and give in, and I would win. Which annoyed my sister, but I had my way of giving her puppy eyes and begging her to let me come too.) C and I were introduced that night at El Loco by my sister. It's all kinda foggy now, but I can't forgot when I first noticed him standing there against the white wall dressed in all black. It was very similar to the scene in Twilight when Bella first notice's Edward, (and on a side note C looks very similar to Robert Pattinson, back then anyways) I must admit though, that night I didn't think too much of his looks as much as his mysteriousness, he just seemed so different than the boys I normally went out with.
After meeting me that night, C was quite taken. He asked my sister's permission if he could take me to Winter Formal (I guess since I was only 15 at the time and he was 18 he worried that she might not approve). She said yes but on one condition, that he better not break my heart. If he did, she would kill him. Figuratively speaking of course.:)) He agreed and called me up that same week. I was really taken aback, I had to recall what he looked like in my mind. All I could remember was..."Oh, the Gothic guy, with the long black trench coat." I felt a bit apprehensive but since I had dated a lot of guys his age, I thought, why not! It might be exciting! So I said yes! I began to get really excited about the idea. Going to Winter Formal, with a mysterious Senior and buying a dress!! Cool!
My sister of course would join us with her boyfriend (now husband) and their group of friends, so I felt safe. I chose a long black dress with a pink satin breast line and pink spagetti straps. C showed up in a tux with a pink bow tie to match, and of course his black Doc's. He also had a pink Stargazer Lily corsage for my wrist. He was more handsome than I remembered. He was like an Andrew McArthy of "Pretty In Pink" simply beautiful. He couldn't stop smiling, and boy did he have a killer smile that made me weak in the knees. I had hoped his smiles meant he felt the same. We went to an Italian Restaurant as a group, I remember trying Calamari for the first time. Then off to the dance. We didn't stay for the whole dance but we did take pictures which I still have, (why did I tease my hair so much?). Next we headed over to a hotel party (which got awkward really fast, so we left). Then came the best part of the night, the part that holds the most memories. We all caravanned to a make-out spot somewhere in the West Covina Hills. I was a bit nervous because I knew he was more experienced than me. I knew we would be having our first kiss...and although I did have a lot of kissing experience, I assumed he wasn't a virgin and how could I possibly match up to that kind of experience? Amazingly we had great chemistry and he was very respectful keeping his hands to himself, only using them to caress my face and hair. His skin had the most hypnotic scent, and his lips were just as soft as I imagined and his taste was sweet.
I remember timing our make out session. C had this little digital clock clipped to his visor, and I would open my eyes and take a quick peek at the time every so often. I would gasp in my mind at how long we were kissing and how nice it was. How perfectly our mouths communicated. It was one of the perfect moments in life. I can still picture the city light's just over the hill and the way he pulled his car into the cul de sac sharply in a dangerous boy manner. And how for that moment I had his full attention.
This was the night I fell deeply in love with C. And of course as life would have it since he was much more experienced than me, our relationship could not last. He would eventually crave more and seek it else where. Since he respected me to much to put a hand on me other than kissing. He would heed to my sister's warning and subtly break things off with me...it kind of just dwindled away, rather than a clean break but what he didn't realize, is that that did in fact break my heart. To see him take so much interest in me, and then slowly move on with other girls, was heart breaking to watch. C would come back to visit me or call me every so often after he graduated. He knew I was different from all the other girls he sought intimacy with. I offered him a different kind of intimacy, one of laughter, one that baked him ginormous Chocolate Chip Cookies on his birthday and sometime's just because, (I would take them to school in a brown paper bag and write his name in marker. He would eat some at school and take the rest home, sometimes times requesting me to make more) one that was there to comb her fingers through his beautiful golden brown hair as he leaned against her chest; she would listened to all his troubles and thought's on life. Later after he graduated he would make excuses to call me out of the blue. Once he called to ask for my help typing a paper since I had taken typing for two years in school. I wondered why he needed my help, he was much smarter than me, when it came to academia anyway. I am a left brain thinker. C was almost 100% right brained. I never did type that paper. And eventually as time went on I grew tired of the let downs, and when I met M our meets dissipated completely.
It wasn't until almost twenty years later...thanks to facebook, that I talked to him, (both now Divorced). I still haven't seen him in person since 1993, only in pictures. He told me in a message, letting me go was one of the biggest regrets of his life along with his mistakes in his now broken marriage.
That was pretty big news to me. I had always felt we were soul mates but didn't think the feeling was mutual. As an adult though and with life experience under my belt, I took it with a grain of salt, and a little hope that it was true. Since then we have only spoken once on the phone but nothing came from it. C was the reason my serial dating went on. He was the only guy who held my heart while no other guy could quite match up. He had a way of making me feel so safe and vulnerable. Needed and loved.
I did however have a short lived relationship with G in the 10th grade but I ended up breaking things off after 3 months. I often wondered if what C did to me was what I did to G. G was one of the most considerate and respectful guys a girl can meet. He turned out to be very hot after high school too. I often regretted ending things with him the way I did. We had reconnected our junior year but only for a beach hang out. I had wished I was brave enough to keep him but by then I was so broken from C and later that year losing my father from the home, (my father went to prison by the end of my freshman year in high school, that's a whole other animal I will get into) that I just couldn't hold onto any relationship. I didn't know how to.
It's strange how the cycle of love ebbs and flows. It's like a tapestry of meetings and losses interwoven. A tapestry of beauty and tragedy. Indeed love is the utmost thing we crave. "To love and be loved," as C.S. Lewis says. To find that one special person who understands us and wants to love us despite ourselves. Someone to laugh with, dance with, cry with, make-love to, to care for...and to just sit and be still with.
And then there was M.
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