8/26/2012
SingleMotherness: A Little Bit Of Italy
SingleMotherness: A Little Bit Of Italy: Italy This past July my son's girlfriend was to turn 17. He didn't have much money to get her anything expensive but he had an idea...
A Little Bit Of Italy
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| Italy |
We decorated it with twinkle lights, tea candle's, old books, and flowers from outside I placed into little glass mason jars. One thing that was flattering was he asked to hang all of my art on the walls around the table where they were to dine. I agreed and he went to work as I prepared a small meal for them and her birthday cake. I also had an urgent desire to use my pastels to sketch her a picture of Italy. I didn't realize how much fun I would have with the colors, ( I hadn't picked up my pastels for quite some time) and loved how it turned out. Like any artist it's hard to part with one's baby... I asked her later to take some pictures of it and send them to me via email so I could post it on my facebook album.
When she entered the house that night, she was in tears. I laughed as I thought how much my son is like me. A hopeless romantic. For the first hour or so I could still hear her sniffling as she kept apologizing for her endless tears of joy. She was so overwhelmed at such a thoughtful gesture. Needless to say, I think she fell more in love with my son that night, and I was a proud Mamma.
8/21/2012
SingleMotherness: Photo Booth
SingleMotherness: Photo Booth: Today I had a bit of fun with my Photo Booth. This tone reminded me of the Album Cover's from the 80's. Just a fun way to get to ...
Photo Booth
Please feel free to write me back on my comments section. I am really hoping to gain some followers and keep expanding this blog. I love that I have readers from Russia, Korea, and Germany and other parts of the U.S
Have a beautiful day! August is nearly done and on to September, October, November, and December!! So much to look forward to!! Do you know I will be 38 this December!! I cannot believe it! It feels like I was just turning 30 not to long ago...
8/18/2012
SingleMotherness: The Article of Reaping and Sowing (part VII)
SingleMotherness: The Article of Reaping and Sowing (part VII): We Reap What We Sow I was woken at 2AM this morning as my girls rushed into my room. They had received a phone call from their father...
The Article of Reaping and Sowing (part VII)
I was woken at 2AM this morning as my girls rushed into my room. They had received a phone call from their father saying it was urgent he talk to me. "Mom!!" the girls said in unison with a look of worry. I tried to lift my heavy head from my indented pillow still half asleep, "What?" I replied with a crackly voice.
"It's Dad he needs to talk to you." Considering the hour we were all worried something bad had happened. The girls thought perhaps someone was in an accident, and I thought his Dad had passed away since he has been battling Cancer over the last two years.
"Hello," I said still half a sleep my head barely lifted from the pillow.
"Melissa, I want you to take a few seconds and wake up. Stand up if you have to. I have something very, very important to say." said -M with a crisp clear tone.
"What? Why...is your Dad ok?" (or else why on earth would you call to wake me at this hour)
"Melissa...please please listen to me...are you awake?"
"Yes. What do you want" -I was more irritated than before, now that I knew his father wasn't dead.
"Melissa, Melissa...I want to tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you. For the first time in my LIFE...in my LIFE...I know what you went through." he said admittedly (after seven years of marriage and 3 children, he was cheating on me with a co-worker..3months before I found out...and when he finally admitted it, he didn't want to leave her...nor me for a while..until he got her pregnant that is..but then even still he didn't want to divorce me, he made me do the dirty work. But he looked into my eyes with the deadest stare void of any remorse...when he told me he couldn't leave her -this he compared to his news).
"I called you because out of everyone you are the only person who could understand what I'm going through right now. And I feel your pain. -A has been cheating on me with her old boyfriend and I just read the text he sent her asking her to come and be with him, and she admitted it was true when I confronted her, that they have been sleeping together." (-M used more explicit wording)
-M continued apologizing to me and expressing how much it hurt him that she could do this to him, and how alone he felt...without a job, a home, or car. (he recently lost his job, sold his car for money, and had been living with her while he seeks unemployment) She agreed to let him stay until he finds a job but wants him out.
I lie there on my bed with my daughter's cell phone in hand...eye's closed, thinking, "Why am I listening to this? Why is he calling me and telling me this? Should I care or be surprised that the same woman who took part in destroying our marriage would have any conviction for destroying her own relationship with my ex-husband? Should I pity him? What does he want me to say?" These were all the questions swarming my half woken mind.
All I could say or think to say was..."-M, don't do anything stupid," realizing the state of mind he was in and the fact that he is a man, I was worried he might harm someone or himself.
I continued to remind him he had four kids to think about (our three, and the one he and -A had together)...and if he did anything stupid, it would only bring more harm to them. He agreed even though he said he was trying his hardest not to. At that point all I wanted to do was hang up. I have no remorse for him what so ever. I had no feeling...All I could think was I want to go back to bed. I am more frustrated that you disturbed my sleep to tell me you are sorry that you now feel the same pain you put me through. The pain I felt as a young mother who had waisted her youth on a heartless man...that would leave her for a woman who would in turn do the same thing to him. What a waste!!
You see. -M was at one time a devoted father. A man who didn't want to turn out like his own Dad who left his wife and gave -M countless let downs, -he used to promise to pick up -M when he was a boy only to leave him sitting on the porch for hours...a no show. A father who didn't pay child support and would eventually move far away to live with his mistress, only to see his son's on special occasion's.
Now -M had basically done the same thing to his own family. He pays the least amount possible of child support leaving our three children to go without so much, (yet tries to make me feel guilty for what he gives, saying it's a sacrifice for him). When we are struggling to pay rent or buy groceries or school supplies/clothes...he rarely cares to step in and help. In fact he leaves it to the concern of my own family to spend their money on our children. And of course my family always steps in to help. If it were not for them we would surely be worse off. Why do people feel the need to say, things like, "At least he gives you money," or "At least he see's his kids." I think it would be less harm if he were completely out of the picture than to be in the picture and act like he is sacrificing so much for his kids. That is more heartless. To be so near and see your own kids struggling and not want to step in and help more. Not want to give your children more than you had. That is more of a slap in the face than fleeing.
Our son refused to go on his weekend visits with -M 2yrs ago now because he hated watching his father's demise. He could no longer bare the pain of his father not believing in him as a son, -M constantly put's him down for the young man he's become, (a young man of conviction and faith).... Yet he still prays for his Dad....he still hopes that -M will turn his life around and have faith again like he used to. He tries to hold onto the memory of the good O'l days when he was a man of faith, a man who stood strong amongst the pressure's of life. A man who pursued God and used his talents for God. A father who used to pick up his son and look into his eyes and tell him how much he loved him and was proud of him.
So now 10yrs later...after I have struggled to make it as a single mother. To relearn everything and move forward from such a great let down. 10yrs after looking into the cold blank stare of my husband when he said..."I'm so sorry Melissa, you will be fine...you are a strong woman. You are a good mother...but I love -A...and I don't want to leave her."
Well now He is enduring the same pain..as his facebook post says..."I never thought I could look into the eyes of someone so void of feeling." (concerning -A his mistress and live in girlfriend of ten years...who has been cheating on him for some time).
I don't think he could ever understand the pain he put me through. The pain of his disregard. The pain of his indifference, when he broke his marriage vows...to me and to our children. Does he really know the sick feeling I felt in my stomach as I considered how he could be sleeping with another woman and me his wife -at the same time! Does he really understand how difficult it was to be weaning off a 1yr old baby while trying to deal with a broken marriage, and no where to live. The nights I cried myself to sleep. Every day I had to look in the eyes of our children and tell them "I don't think daddy's coming back." or "Pray for your Daddy that he will come back to God." And to have to listen to those innocent prayers every day and night...do you understand that pain?
He left us homeless, without a car, without a job, without our protector. Does he really know the pain I felt. The fear? No -M you will never know the extent of my pain and loss. The extent of our children's pain to lose their father to a woman they didn't even know, and watch you start a new family with her. -M you will never know nor understand the pain you put us through. What you are feeling now is the sting of sin. The sting of sin catching up with you. The sting of God's chastisement that He will not let His children go unpunished. In the world's terms it's Karma.. But in God's term's it's reaping what we sow.
I hope you turn your life back around. I hope you come crawling back to your Father like the prodigal son. Because life apart from God is no life at all. No matter how much you try to make yourself believe otherwise.
8/12/2012
SingleMotherness: The 50 Egg Challenge (part VI)
SingleMotherness: The 50 Egg Challenge (part VI): If you've had the privilege of watching "Cool Hand Luke," then you will understand my comparison of SingleMotherness and the "50 Egg Challen...
8/11/2012
The 50 Egg Challenge (part VI)
If you've had the privilege of watching "Cool Hand Luke," then you will understand my comparison of SingleMotherness and the "50 Egg Challenge." Luke took on the challenge of eating 50 hardboiled eggs, in fact he prompted such a high number himself. Without a flinch, he said..."I can eat fifty egg." Did he realize at the moment the discomfort and exhaustion he would feel near the end? No, not really. He just wanted to show his jail mate's that he was capable of the unthinkable. Fearless. He had this adorable smirk of joy and relief on his face once he accomplished his goal. Yet he could not have reached that 50th egg if it were not for his supporters. Those that cheered him on and force fed him those last 10 or so eggs.
Although many of us venture into SingleMotherness without will. It is usually sprung on us by abandonment, infidelity, or an oops. In my case it was infidelity. I had to make a decision in that very moment when I found out my husband was having a long winded affair and leaving me with three kids to raise. I had to decide will I proclaim the 50 Egg Challenge or back down. I chose the challenge and for the most part I have struggled with exhaustion, discomfort, and bloating so to speak. I've had the need for friends, and family to force feed me the encouragement to continue and to fight for my kids to have a beautiful life regardless of our circumstances. I have had the feebleness when work, my schooling, the kids schooling, and bills have tired me out so much that all I want to do is curl up and cry and sometimes die. The discomfort in my stomach when I don't know how I'm going to buy groceries for a family of four, (my kids are huge! 11yr old daughter is 5'6, my 16yr old daughter is 5'11, and my 17 yr old Son is 6'2). The feeling of wanting to regurgitate all of life's nastiness with the stigma SingleMotherness or Divorce holds. The biast's people have without realizing. The rejection we feel as women when most men won't give us a second thought because we are considered as caring unwanted baggage.
But O'the bliss when we finish that 50th egg! We feel it when our kids complete a year of school, get an award, bring us a beautiful drawing, or give us a hug. When they look at us with appreciation for not giving up on them. For fighting the good fight in such a cruel world. Every day there are those moments of accomplishment if we open our eye's to see them. It can become easy just to see the pile of hardboiled eggs on the table with 10 more to gobble down when we feel like we've had enough. But if we look up and see all of our supporters cheering us on and helping us through it...we can make it to the end! I'm sure for some we don't have that many supporters. For some of us it is one or two people, maybe a handful, maybe a whole room. Regardless of how many are on the sidelines we have One who is greater, and that is God. There were so many night's I had no one...but God. I would go in my restroom and cry after I put the kids to bed and the house was dark. I would cry to the Lord to help me. Sometimes it was in the shower. I would break down after a hard day at work and bills waiting for me in the mailbox when I got home.
My kids and I have had to endure a lot, and because of our hardships and lack we have become closer as a family unit, and learned to rely on God for his provision. We have had those miracle moments when groceries where carefully placed on our porch by Anonymus. Or a check came in the mail. Some times it was a car donation or me qualifying for a City Housing Grant. And more recently my daughter wanted to go on her Church Youth Mission's trip where they camp out at the Church and serve the City in various ways. Even though it was just $50 I could not afford it, but she received a scholarship and was able to attend. Bella my youngest also received a little blessing at the same time. Her Auntie cleaned out her closet and gave her newly used clothes for school and school supplies. She was so grateful that she could not stop giving thanks to God when we got home. These are those moments that give us the ability to get through. Moments that give us hope to finish the next egg.
Remember that in the years you are sacrificing to give your children as much as you are capable even if it doesn't seem like much...they see it. They see your struggle and sacrifice. And are cheering you on. Even if sometimes it seems like they resent you or hate you...because there will be those raw moments too, when they are overwhelmed by life just as we are. But you will get through and the next season will come just as the last...and you will smile at accomplishing the Unthinkable!! The 50 Egg Challenge:))
Although many of us venture into SingleMotherness without will. It is usually sprung on us by abandonment, infidelity, or an oops. In my case it was infidelity. I had to make a decision in that very moment when I found out my husband was having a long winded affair and leaving me with three kids to raise. I had to decide will I proclaim the 50 Egg Challenge or back down. I chose the challenge and for the most part I have struggled with exhaustion, discomfort, and bloating so to speak. I've had the need for friends, and family to force feed me the encouragement to continue and to fight for my kids to have a beautiful life regardless of our circumstances. I have had the feebleness when work, my schooling, the kids schooling, and bills have tired me out so much that all I want to do is curl up and cry and sometimes die. The discomfort in my stomach when I don't know how I'm going to buy groceries for a family of four, (my kids are huge! 11yr old daughter is 5'6, my 16yr old daughter is 5'11, and my 17 yr old Son is 6'2). The feeling of wanting to regurgitate all of life's nastiness with the stigma SingleMotherness or Divorce holds. The biast's people have without realizing. The rejection we feel as women when most men won't give us a second thought because we are considered as caring unwanted baggage.
But O'the bliss when we finish that 50th egg! We feel it when our kids complete a year of school, get an award, bring us a beautiful drawing, or give us a hug. When they look at us with appreciation for not giving up on them. For fighting the good fight in such a cruel world. Every day there are those moments of accomplishment if we open our eye's to see them. It can become easy just to see the pile of hardboiled eggs on the table with 10 more to gobble down when we feel like we've had enough. But if we look up and see all of our supporters cheering us on and helping us through it...we can make it to the end! I'm sure for some we don't have that many supporters. For some of us it is one or two people, maybe a handful, maybe a whole room. Regardless of how many are on the sidelines we have One who is greater, and that is God. There were so many night's I had no one...but God. I would go in my restroom and cry after I put the kids to bed and the house was dark. I would cry to the Lord to help me. Sometimes it was in the shower. I would break down after a hard day at work and bills waiting for me in the mailbox when I got home.
My kids and I have had to endure a lot, and because of our hardships and lack we have become closer as a family unit, and learned to rely on God for his provision. We have had those miracle moments when groceries where carefully placed on our porch by Anonymus. Or a check came in the mail. Some times it was a car donation or me qualifying for a City Housing Grant. And more recently my daughter wanted to go on her Church Youth Mission's trip where they camp out at the Church and serve the City in various ways. Even though it was just $50 I could not afford it, but she received a scholarship and was able to attend. Bella my youngest also received a little blessing at the same time. Her Auntie cleaned out her closet and gave her newly used clothes for school and school supplies. She was so grateful that she could not stop giving thanks to God when we got home. These are those moments that give us the ability to get through. Moments that give us hope to finish the next egg.
8/09/2012
Today is your moment (part V)
I walked to the Cinema last night, (actually the AMC Theatre). I like to call it the Cinema as the British do I like the sound of it:) I wanted badly to see "Total Recall," because Jessica Biel, and Kate Beckinsale our such powerhouse Actresses and it also inspires me to work harder at getting in shape.
There was a line in the Film that stuck out to me. Colin Ferrill's character Doug Qaid wanted desperately to know about his past to help him understand who he was today, and asked his nemesis Vilos Cohaagen, played by Bryan Cranston. "I need to know who I was, I want to know my history."
and Vilos replied, "Who you were doesn't matter. It's who you are today, at the present moment." -paraphrased
The line was similar to that, nonetheless it stuck out at me. We can know our history our personal story and journey and appreciate it or despise it. But it doesn't define who we are today. And even though my father lived a double life and basically shattered our dreams as a family...and then my husband did too...that does not define me. It does not say or demand me to be the same. In fact it requires me to rise out of the ashes. To come out of the tomb and be raised from the dead and live a resurrected life!
I have to allow my history the sin's of my father and ex-husband to be left in the grave and not allow myself to be buried with their mistakes. I have to allow those horrid memories to be put to death and rise from the ash. It isn't always an easy thing because they are always there to haunt and ridicule me; however I find peace in the truth of God's word that I am God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus. Eph. 2:10 I am not that workmanship of my father on earth nor my ex-husband. They do not define who I am today, even if they are a part of my history.
It's amazing how freeing it can become when we hold to truth. The truth that as a Single Mother you are who you choose to be. We can be a despondent lonely resentful mess...or a courageous optimistic compassionate servant to those who could learn from our experiences. I was almost burring myself in my woe's just a few weeks ago...on how tired I was of being alone, and having to bear the burden of provider, teacher, leader, nurturer, scheduler, taxi....you name it..when you're a Single-Mom you are all things, just about.
You see, I had forgot to pay a ticket from last year and it crept up on me 3weeks ago. Last September I was pretty ill with Chronic Anemia and was admitted into the hospital. My blood count had dropped to a 7 by my second day there. I was given units of Iron and an emergency blood transfusion. Suffice to say, I had to see a score of Doctor's after getting out and had a small surgery after they figured out my Anemia was attributed to heavy menstrual cycles... I forgot all about the due date of my ticket. So it went into collections and because I had a few other tickets I had already been taking care of that year I thought I was done with that drama, ( I live in a city that tickets you if you sneeze while driving, basically). Like I was saying it just crept up on me and they suspended my license...no driving until it's paid in full. And then as the old saying goes, when it rains it pours... my car wouldn't start. I haven't even had the energy to have my car looked at since I've been walking 6miles to work. On the Upside though! I have lost quite a bit of weight!! I tried on three pairs of jeans that barely went up to my thighs. They now go all the way up and I'm feeling way more energetic:)
I had gained a bit of weight after my illness last year. Not to much but enough to make me feel sluggish. I also have had to sport the same pair of jeans since I gained the weight. Nothing else was fitting me. I am encouraged though that I will go back down to at least a size 9 by September, ( I went up to a size 12 over the past year). Ideally though I could slim down a bit smaller and gain some muscle . I do have that Athletic frame since my dad had me playing sports all my life and that's a plus because my body always craves it.
I am hoping though that once night school kicks in and financial aid comes I can pay off my ticket and get my license back. I was worried since my kids start school early this year. It's back to the races in school traffic. I just realized though I have to take it one day at a time and not get worried. I have been without a car before and or broken down cars, so I have to remember I survived through it once, I can do it again!
Well, I guess this entry will be short...me and my youngest daughter have to walk to her school and get her registered. It's a hot one too...100ish degrees!! What a summer!
take care!
There was a line in the Film that stuck out to me. Colin Ferrill's character Doug Qaid wanted desperately to know about his past to help him understand who he was today, and asked his nemesis Vilos Cohaagen, played by Bryan Cranston. "I need to know who I was, I want to know my history."
and Vilos replied, "Who you were doesn't matter. It's who you are today, at the present moment." -paraphrased
The line was similar to that, nonetheless it stuck out at me. We can know our history our personal story and journey and appreciate it or despise it. But it doesn't define who we are today. And even though my father lived a double life and basically shattered our dreams as a family...and then my husband did too...that does not define me. It does not say or demand me to be the same. In fact it requires me to rise out of the ashes. To come out of the tomb and be raised from the dead and live a resurrected life!
I have to allow my history the sin's of my father and ex-husband to be left in the grave and not allow myself to be buried with their mistakes. I have to allow those horrid memories to be put to death and rise from the ash. It isn't always an easy thing because they are always there to haunt and ridicule me; however I find peace in the truth of God's word that I am God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus. Eph. 2:10 I am not that workmanship of my father on earth nor my ex-husband. They do not define who I am today, even if they are a part of my history.
It's amazing how freeing it can become when we hold to truth. The truth that as a Single Mother you are who you choose to be. We can be a despondent lonely resentful mess...or a courageous optimistic compassionate servant to those who could learn from our experiences. I was almost burring myself in my woe's just a few weeks ago...on how tired I was of being alone, and having to bear the burden of provider, teacher, leader, nurturer, scheduler, taxi....you name it..when you're a Single-Mom you are all things, just about.
You see, I had forgot to pay a ticket from last year and it crept up on me 3weeks ago. Last September I was pretty ill with Chronic Anemia and was admitted into the hospital. My blood count had dropped to a 7 by my second day there. I was given units of Iron and an emergency blood transfusion. Suffice to say, I had to see a score of Doctor's after getting out and had a small surgery after they figured out my Anemia was attributed to heavy menstrual cycles... I forgot all about the due date of my ticket. So it went into collections and because I had a few other tickets I had already been taking care of that year I thought I was done with that drama, ( I live in a city that tickets you if you sneeze while driving, basically). Like I was saying it just crept up on me and they suspended my license...no driving until it's paid in full. And then as the old saying goes, when it rains it pours... my car wouldn't start. I haven't even had the energy to have my car looked at since I've been walking 6miles to work. On the Upside though! I have lost quite a bit of weight!! I tried on three pairs of jeans that barely went up to my thighs. They now go all the way up and I'm feeling way more energetic:)
I had gained a bit of weight after my illness last year. Not to much but enough to make me feel sluggish. I also have had to sport the same pair of jeans since I gained the weight. Nothing else was fitting me. I am encouraged though that I will go back down to at least a size 9 by September, ( I went up to a size 12 over the past year). Ideally though I could slim down a bit smaller and gain some muscle . I do have that Athletic frame since my dad had me playing sports all my life and that's a plus because my body always craves it.
I am hoping though that once night school kicks in and financial aid comes I can pay off my ticket and get my license back. I was worried since my kids start school early this year. It's back to the races in school traffic. I just realized though I have to take it one day at a time and not get worried. I have been without a car before and or broken down cars, so I have to remember I survived through it once, I can do it again!
Well, I guess this entry will be short...me and my youngest daughter have to walk to her school and get her registered. It's a hot one too...100ish degrees!! What a summer!
take care!
8/05/2012
Putting Together The Pieces (part IV)
I don't really remember the day or how it happened with M. All I remember is that we fell fast in love. And thank's to my closeness with his cousin's H and L...we were able to spend a lot of fun times together. H and L loved that we were together that meant we were closer than just friends, we were like family. And since I already lost focus of my dreams and M became my new dream I knew that it was only a matter of time before we were married. Why did I feel this way? Was it because my dad left the home just before my 16th birthday? You see he was the one who pushed me. He was the one that made me a hard worker and athlete. My dad had dreamed of having a son, but instead had 3 daughters. So guess who had to learn how to play catch, dribble a ball, run the track, and lift weights..."we three girls."
Although we all learned the art of basketball, and other sports...He had invested a lot of time and money in me, taking me to summer basketball camp, and leagues. My older sister was growing a bit tired of him pushing her as her interest's grew with boys and friends, and my younger sister loved hanging out and learning too but she was usually playing on the outskirts till she was older. I was the daughter who he had outside everyday after work playing basketball rain or shine...drill after drill..."drive to the basket Melissa, let them foul you." he would repeat that over and over. He made me learn how to dribble with both hands...he taught me how to use all the weights in the garage, and how to sprint the track. He bought me a left handers mit for softball, (now that I didn't pursue since I was too afraid to get hit in the face with the ball). I found I loved to sweat and work hard. It was painful but It made me feel like a Super Hero, which played into my Dreamer side. I was competitive and maybe that's part of the reason I allowed my dad to push me so hard.
He put me in an all boy's basketball league in 6th grade. Our team was called "The Nuggets." I remember getting a few of the boy's on my team angry during practice because I was a better ball handler than most and outsmarted them. One guy proceeded to call me a b#*!! as he tried to hit me. They didn't like the idea of a girl on their team. I had asked my friend S to join the team so I wouldn't be the only girl. By the time I was in high school I was good enough to be Point Guard on the J.V. Team, my freshman year. Half way through the season I got sick with Anemia and had to sit out most of the games. I eventually lost my position. It was difficult for both of us to face. I felt like I let him down, but my body was too weak to play like before. I decided I wanted to get a job. I heard the Chuck E. Cheese by my school was hiring so at 15 1/2 I applied and was hired along with a few of my friends and my older sister I had talked into joining me, even my sister's boyfriend applied, (I worked there throughout high school). And by the end of my freshman year my father had gone to prison. It was a rough year. My sophomore year I couldn't bring myself to play anymore, I had lost interest. So I tried out for Cheer. I used the same work ethic my dad had taught me and practiced every day, and made the squad. It was a nice change...from tomboy to princess.
I didn't try out for any sports after my dad left, I pursued Cheer again my Junior year but this time I went out for Varsity Song...which gave me more opportunity to dance, that I loved. I made the team! I was so excited. It was a good year I had excelled in Art, Theatre and Song. The only thing is, I felt that empty place of not fulfilling my full potential in basketball. That's the sport I knew best and knew I was good at. I had been playing since I was able to dribble a ball. Eventually I grew tired of the Cheer Team, even though it's a fun sport sometimes there can be too much drama. I didn't want one more year of girls bad mouthing other girls...so my senior year I just focused on Theatre. I do believe if my dad hadn't left, I would have stuck with basketball every year and went to College with a scholarship. But life is what it is. We can't choose how other people's sin is going to affect us. We can only choose how we respond...And I felt lost without my dad pushing me. Especially since my Mom resented him for doing so, and now was too busy to pay attention to what I was doing with my life...since she had to be both Mother and Father. She did go see all of my Play's which she loved and bragged about to everyone. But she never encouraged me to try out for basketball again. I think it reminded her too much of my father. I will add this though regarding my Mother. She was and still is the most amazing and courageous Woman I know. She worked very hard to provide for us girls and make sure we all had plenty of love and support. And she is an amazing cook!
You see, from the start I loved The Arts, and wanted them badly. But my father loved sports and desperately wanted a Son...and I wanted to become that son for him in some way. And when he was gone I went back to what I truly loved, dancing, acting, music and art. It all wasn't a loss, because without the drive he instilled in me I probably wouldn't have been the fighter I am today when I need it most...as a Single Mom. Every time I go through a trial and hardship...I think back on the days I had to keep driving to the basket. Over and over again. My heart wants to fail so many times because it's hard making it in this day with this economy and the needs of kids nowadays is high maintenance. Thankfully my kids are understanding about the things we can't have as other families do. It is definitely difficult and sometimes seems unfair but they understand.
As I try to place the pieces of my puzzled life in order...why I decided to Marry so young and give up on all my dreams. I have to wonder did it all begin with my father?
Although we all learned the art of basketball, and other sports...He had invested a lot of time and money in me, taking me to summer basketball camp, and leagues. My older sister was growing a bit tired of him pushing her as her interest's grew with boys and friends, and my younger sister loved hanging out and learning too but she was usually playing on the outskirts till she was older. I was the daughter who he had outside everyday after work playing basketball rain or shine...drill after drill..."drive to the basket Melissa, let them foul you." he would repeat that over and over. He made me learn how to dribble with both hands...he taught me how to use all the weights in the garage, and how to sprint the track. He bought me a left handers mit for softball, (now that I didn't pursue since I was too afraid to get hit in the face with the ball). I found I loved to sweat and work hard. It was painful but It made me feel like a Super Hero, which played into my Dreamer side. I was competitive and maybe that's part of the reason I allowed my dad to push me so hard.
He put me in an all boy's basketball league in 6th grade. Our team was called "The Nuggets." I remember getting a few of the boy's on my team angry during practice because I was a better ball handler than most and outsmarted them. One guy proceeded to call me a b#*!! as he tried to hit me. They didn't like the idea of a girl on their team. I had asked my friend S to join the team so I wouldn't be the only girl. By the time I was in high school I was good enough to be Point Guard on the J.V. Team, my freshman year. Half way through the season I got sick with Anemia and had to sit out most of the games. I eventually lost my position. It was difficult for both of us to face. I felt like I let him down, but my body was too weak to play like before. I decided I wanted to get a job. I heard the Chuck E. Cheese by my school was hiring so at 15 1/2 I applied and was hired along with a few of my friends and my older sister I had talked into joining me, even my sister's boyfriend applied, (I worked there throughout high school). And by the end of my freshman year my father had gone to prison. It was a rough year. My sophomore year I couldn't bring myself to play anymore, I had lost interest. So I tried out for Cheer. I used the same work ethic my dad had taught me and practiced every day, and made the squad. It was a nice change...from tomboy to princess.
I didn't try out for any sports after my dad left, I pursued Cheer again my Junior year but this time I went out for Varsity Song...which gave me more opportunity to dance, that I loved. I made the team! I was so excited. It was a good year I had excelled in Art, Theatre and Song. The only thing is, I felt that empty place of not fulfilling my full potential in basketball. That's the sport I knew best and knew I was good at. I had been playing since I was able to dribble a ball. Eventually I grew tired of the Cheer Team, even though it's a fun sport sometimes there can be too much drama. I didn't want one more year of girls bad mouthing other girls...so my senior year I just focused on Theatre. I do believe if my dad hadn't left, I would have stuck with basketball every year and went to College with a scholarship. But life is what it is. We can't choose how other people's sin is going to affect us. We can only choose how we respond...And I felt lost without my dad pushing me. Especially since my Mom resented him for doing so, and now was too busy to pay attention to what I was doing with my life...since she had to be both Mother and Father. She did go see all of my Play's which she loved and bragged about to everyone. But she never encouraged me to try out for basketball again. I think it reminded her too much of my father. I will add this though regarding my Mother. She was and still is the most amazing and courageous Woman I know. She worked very hard to provide for us girls and make sure we all had plenty of love and support. And she is an amazing cook!
You see, from the start I loved The Arts, and wanted them badly. But my father loved sports and desperately wanted a Son...and I wanted to become that son for him in some way. And when he was gone I went back to what I truly loved, dancing, acting, music and art. It all wasn't a loss, because without the drive he instilled in me I probably wouldn't have been the fighter I am today when I need it most...as a Single Mom. Every time I go through a trial and hardship...I think back on the days I had to keep driving to the basket. Over and over again. My heart wants to fail so many times because it's hard making it in this day with this economy and the needs of kids nowadays is high maintenance. Thankfully my kids are understanding about the things we can't have as other families do. It is definitely difficult and sometimes seems unfair but they understand.
As I try to place the pieces of my puzzled life in order...why I decided to Marry so young and give up on all my dreams. I have to wonder did it all begin with my father?
SingleMotherness: A little history before M (part III)
SingleMotherness: A little history before M (part III): M was not your ordinary 18year old guy. None that I had seen in my school that is. He was 6'2 nicely built, somewhere between a basketball a...
A little history before M (part III)
M was not your ordinary 18year old guy. None that I had seen in my school that is. He was 6'2 nicely built, somewhere between a basketball and football figure I would say. Not to lean and not to muscular. His hair was like jasper, wavy and short. His skin color was a dark brown sugar. I couldn't quite place his ethnicity but he looked something similar to Puerto Rican or a mix of White and African American, (his true ethnicity is Swedish and African American). Almond shaped eyes, brown in color. Which quickly caught my attention since they reminded me of Keanu Reeves, who was my celebrity crush. M had strong features with his thick dark eyebrows that sat comfortably on his strong brow, and a long broad nose with a small black mole on one nostril that was perfectly placed like a nose ring. His lips were attractively shaped, kissable. He had this gallant way of walking, with his own kinda of rhythm. At the perfect time he would reach up and swipe his nose in between steps just to look cool.
The Class of 1992 was graduating, and I was there to cheer on some of my friends. H was one of them. She had invited me to her celebratory dinner after the ceremony. H and her sister L had befriended me earlier that year at a school dance. They said I had a unique way about me and they thought I was very pretty. It was silly to me at the time but these two sisters had a way of speaking their minds. They had invited me to their little church in El Monte where their parents Co-Pastored. I went one Wednesday night and loved it. It was there that I found my relationship with Jesus. Prior to that I was Catholic. My mother had made sure I followed all the steps of the Catholic Religion, starting with Baptism as an infant to my Quinceanera at 15. But by the time I was 17 my Mom had basically lost hope in her faith do to a broken marriage with the betrayal of my father who went to prison for child molestation, leaving us to lose our home of 14yrs. My Mother had to pick up the pieces of our shattered life and try to make do, going back to school while working two jobs, she was tired and agitated with life. Her famous words to me where, "I feel like God put me on this earth to suffer." And if you knew all that my Mom had to go through growing up till now...one might agree. She has had her dose of sufferige.
So that day in June 1992, the ceremony was just about to begin and all of the graduates friends and family had arrived and were scrambling through the courtyard to get to the field. That's when I noticed M. I still remember what he was wearing. A long sleeve mustard colored shirt with his famous white jeans. He was strikingly handsome. I noticed him noticing me, but tried to play it cool just as he did the same. I didn't know at the time that he was H's cousin. Not until that night at the dinner that is. We went to this little Italian Restaurant, I believe in La Puente or Baldwin Park. It had dim lighting and was decorated with green lattice arches over booth table's, while the scent of Pasta, and Canadian bacon filled the air, a variety of Pizza's sat on risers at each table. I didn't see M until later that evening when he showed up with his best friend C. They where two hopeful Rap Stars, they used to have little gigs at churches and go to open mic's. M didn't talk to me much that night but he was attracted to me, (he told me later). Of course as my luck would have it his older brother R sat next to me at a table and flirted with me most of the night, telling me how beautiful I was. He was almost just as handsome as M, only he had bigger muscles. He had been a star athlete in football with quite a few scholarship offers. I'm not sure why he didn't except them but at the time he lived with his regret drinking away his sorrows. He did manage to pull himself out of his rut later, and now runs a successful Fitness training business, with a beautiful family, and looks even more amazing then he did back then.
I wondered about M that night as I lay in bed. I wondered if what I was experiencing was love at first site? Was he the man I would Marry? Is he thinking about me right now? In the months to follow I would get to know him as I spent more time with H and L, going to church, the beach, christian concerts..they would pick me up in their big hoop de ville cars, (their father used to be a used car salesman and always found these great deals on huge cars, once they had an old cadillac limo). It was only a matter of time before M and my story began. We both knew we were noticing one another but I was dating a guy at the time...one who actually asked me..."Are you going to date me for more than 2wks?" I had no idea what he meant, because remember I didn't see what I was doing from the outside. I was still trying to find someone who lived up to C. I asked E why he said that and he replied, "Because you usually only date guys for 2wks." I was dumbfounded, was that what guys thought of me? A serial dater? And sadly E did last exactly 2wks...but not because I planned it that way, initially I only went out with him because he misunderstood my intention's I had told him and his brother we should all hangout soon, meaning all of our friends and he took it as me asking him out specifically. I didn't realize it until he asked for a date. I did agree, but found he moved a lot faster than I was ready for. And since I was now attending church regularly I felt pretty uncomfortable with his touchy hands. Purity was what I was aiming for. And then there was the M factor. I was really beginning to fall for him, and realized I should break things off with E before I lose my chance with M (E didn't happen until the 2wks before M and I started dating).
Growing up I was a dreamer. As I mentioned before I was, and still am a left brain thinker not to mention left handed. Most of my childhood was spent drawing, singing, dancing, and acting infront of whoever would care to watch. But mostly I did it for myself. I would spend hours in my room singing and drawing. I would create my own fashion designs or reenact movie scenes. I even memorized the whole Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation Video (I remember C used to tease me about that after my sister told him). I wanted to be a Actress/Dancer/Singer and that's how I would tell people too, including the slash marks. Of course nowadays it's more politically correct to say Actor rather than Actress. :) I do remember sitting in front of the television crying because I wanted to be an Actor so bad.
My plan was to become an Actress then marry when I was 25. I also wanted to attend Berkley University because I had read something about Julia Roberts and Berkley, haha.. she was my idol when it came to Women in Hollywood. I used to tell people, "Just call me Julia" I guess I had a big imagination. I pretty much lived in my own fantasy world of big dreams. Meanwhile when I would write letters to my Dad in prison about being an Actress he discouraged it. He said Hollywood was no place for me. It was too evil. In prison he found God and would write me letters upon letters about his new relationship with Jesus. He had told me he was praying to God that I would not become an Actress. Well, thanks Dad. You ruin our lives then crush my dreams. That didn't stop me from joining the Drama Club and starring in three high school plays. I loved it! I did manage to go to one Casting Call for Disney and lie about my age. They wanted 16yr old's and I was 18. I didn't get the part. I do still wonder what Disney teen show it was, and how my life would be so different if I had got the part.
When M and I finally got together we shared all of our dreams. We were both big dreamers from single parent homes. With father's who didn't come through. Our Mom's had been on food stamps, and became bitter with life. Isn't it funny how we found each other. I managed to hide most of my troubles of home from kids at school and lived up to the popularity my sister held passing it onto me, and me to my younger sister who was also a freshman when I was a senior. I was in ASB (one year), Cheer and Song, Chorus, Drama, and Basketball. I loved my friends and school. I didn't do to well in Academia but nonetheless it was memorable.
The Class of 1992 was graduating, and I was there to cheer on some of my friends. H was one of them. She had invited me to her celebratory dinner after the ceremony. H and her sister L had befriended me earlier that year at a school dance. They said I had a unique way about me and they thought I was very pretty. It was silly to me at the time but these two sisters had a way of speaking their minds. They had invited me to their little church in El Monte where their parents Co-Pastored. I went one Wednesday night and loved it. It was there that I found my relationship with Jesus. Prior to that I was Catholic. My mother had made sure I followed all the steps of the Catholic Religion, starting with Baptism as an infant to my Quinceanera at 15. But by the time I was 17 my Mom had basically lost hope in her faith do to a broken marriage with the betrayal of my father who went to prison for child molestation, leaving us to lose our home of 14yrs. My Mother had to pick up the pieces of our shattered life and try to make do, going back to school while working two jobs, she was tired and agitated with life. Her famous words to me where, "I feel like God put me on this earth to suffer." And if you knew all that my Mom had to go through growing up till now...one might agree. She has had her dose of sufferige.
So that day in June 1992, the ceremony was just about to begin and all of the graduates friends and family had arrived and were scrambling through the courtyard to get to the field. That's when I noticed M. I still remember what he was wearing. A long sleeve mustard colored shirt with his famous white jeans. He was strikingly handsome. I noticed him noticing me, but tried to play it cool just as he did the same. I didn't know at the time that he was H's cousin. Not until that night at the dinner that is. We went to this little Italian Restaurant, I believe in La Puente or Baldwin Park. It had dim lighting and was decorated with green lattice arches over booth table's, while the scent of Pasta, and Canadian bacon filled the air, a variety of Pizza's sat on risers at each table. I didn't see M until later that evening when he showed up with his best friend C. They where two hopeful Rap Stars, they used to have little gigs at churches and go to open mic's. M didn't talk to me much that night but he was attracted to me, (he told me later). Of course as my luck would have it his older brother R sat next to me at a table and flirted with me most of the night, telling me how beautiful I was. He was almost just as handsome as M, only he had bigger muscles. He had been a star athlete in football with quite a few scholarship offers. I'm not sure why he didn't except them but at the time he lived with his regret drinking away his sorrows. He did manage to pull himself out of his rut later, and now runs a successful Fitness training business, with a beautiful family, and looks even more amazing then he did back then.
I wondered about M that night as I lay in bed. I wondered if what I was experiencing was love at first site? Was he the man I would Marry? Is he thinking about me right now? In the months to follow I would get to know him as I spent more time with H and L, going to church, the beach, christian concerts..they would pick me up in their big hoop de ville cars, (their father used to be a used car salesman and always found these great deals on huge cars, once they had an old cadillac limo). It was only a matter of time before M and my story began. We both knew we were noticing one another but I was dating a guy at the time...one who actually asked me..."Are you going to date me for more than 2wks?" I had no idea what he meant, because remember I didn't see what I was doing from the outside. I was still trying to find someone who lived up to C. I asked E why he said that and he replied, "Because you usually only date guys for 2wks." I was dumbfounded, was that what guys thought of me? A serial dater? And sadly E did last exactly 2wks...but not because I planned it that way, initially I only went out with him because he misunderstood my intention's I had told him and his brother we should all hangout soon, meaning all of our friends and he took it as me asking him out specifically. I didn't realize it until he asked for a date. I did agree, but found he moved a lot faster than I was ready for. And since I was now attending church regularly I felt pretty uncomfortable with his touchy hands. Purity was what I was aiming for. And then there was the M factor. I was really beginning to fall for him, and realized I should break things off with E before I lose my chance with M (E didn't happen until the 2wks before M and I started dating).
Growing up I was a dreamer. As I mentioned before I was, and still am a left brain thinker not to mention left handed. Most of my childhood was spent drawing, singing, dancing, and acting infront of whoever would care to watch. But mostly I did it for myself. I would spend hours in my room singing and drawing. I would create my own fashion designs or reenact movie scenes. I even memorized the whole Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation Video (I remember C used to tease me about that after my sister told him). I wanted to be a Actress/Dancer/Singer and that's how I would tell people too, including the slash marks. Of course nowadays it's more politically correct to say Actor rather than Actress. :) I do remember sitting in front of the television crying because I wanted to be an Actor so bad.
My plan was to become an Actress then marry when I was 25. I also wanted to attend Berkley University because I had read something about Julia Roberts and Berkley, haha.. she was my idol when it came to Women in Hollywood. I used to tell people, "Just call me Julia" I guess I had a big imagination. I pretty much lived in my own fantasy world of big dreams. Meanwhile when I would write letters to my Dad in prison about being an Actress he discouraged it. He said Hollywood was no place for me. It was too evil. In prison he found God and would write me letters upon letters about his new relationship with Jesus. He had told me he was praying to God that I would not become an Actress. Well, thanks Dad. You ruin our lives then crush my dreams. That didn't stop me from joining the Drama Club and starring in three high school plays. I loved it! I did manage to go to one Casting Call for Disney and lie about my age. They wanted 16yr old's and I was 18. I didn't get the part. I do still wonder what Disney teen show it was, and how my life would be so different if I had got the part.
When M and I finally got together we shared all of our dreams. We were both big dreamers from single parent homes. With father's who didn't come through. Our Mom's had been on food stamps, and became bitter with life. Isn't it funny how we found each other. I managed to hide most of my troubles of home from kids at school and lived up to the popularity my sister held passing it onto me, and me to my younger sister who was also a freshman when I was a senior. I was in ASB (one year), Cheer and Song, Chorus, Drama, and Basketball. I loved my friends and school. I didn't do to well in Academia but nonetheless it was memorable.
8/04/2012
SingleMotherness: Love before the Storm (part II)
SingleMotherness: Love before the Storm (part II): So there it was all of my happy endings had just turned into the darkest day of my life. And I have had some darker days as a young girl, (I...
Love before the Storm (part II)
So there it was all of my happy endings had just turned into the darkest day of my life. And I have had some darker days as a young girl, (I will get into that later in my blogging) but for some reason this was supposed to make up for all that I had lost in love as a young girl. This Marriage was supposed to be my happy ending from a life that had been riddled with brokenness. Don't we tell ourselves that though? As young girls... the man we dare to fall madly deeply in love with, to be vulnerable with, will solve all of our problems and be the answer to our prayers. As the young nieve girls of course, that we sometimes revert back to.
M and I met at the start of summer before my Senior year in high school. I was nearly 18 and he was 19. He had brought an end to my life of serial dating. I didn't know it then but I had coined the name "Heart Breaker" in high school. I would date guys for a limited time of 2wks, then move on to the next guy who caught my attention. It wasn't because I was out to hurt anyone...I'm sure it was do to the relationship I had with my father, or lack there of and the fact that my first love -C had broken my heart and no other guy could quite match up.
C was a Senior when I was a freshman in 1990. All the girls wanted him at school, I had no knowledge of him, however...I was too busy swooning over J.E one of the hottest guys on the Varsity Football team.
C and I met one night at the then famous El Loco in Covina Ca. (they filmed a lot of "Night Rider" episodes there and I believe some old "Duke's of Hazard"). C looked very mysterious in his long black trench coat stalky with broad shouldered's. He stood a little over six feet tall and wore black Doc Marten boots. I thought he was Gothic at the time with his pensive stare. He had silky fair skin, high cheek bones and hazel eyes; an alluring strong nose and fascinating lips. His hair was golden brown, he wore the top longer than the sides as it flipped to the side.
(Even though I was only a freshman my dad would make my older sister take me to hang out with her and her friends. This made me more well known in high school. I didn't pay attention much to labels, I just loved hanging out with them. They had become my friends too, like extended family. I would often whine to my dad that life wasn't fair if I couldn't go. He would eventually grow tired of hearing me grope and give in, and I would win. Which annoyed my sister, but I had my way of giving her puppy eyes and begging her to let me come too.) C and I were introduced that night at El Loco by my sister. It's all kinda foggy now, but I can't forgot when I first noticed him standing there against the white wall dressed in all black. It was very similar to the scene in Twilight when Bella first notice's Edward, (and on a side note C looks very similar to Robert Pattinson, back then anyways) I must admit though, that night I didn't think too much of his looks as much as his mysteriousness, he just seemed so different than the boys I normally went out with.
After meeting me that night, C was quite taken. He asked my sister's permission if he could take me to Winter Formal (I guess since I was only 15 at the time and he was 18 he worried that she might not approve). She said yes but on one condition, that he better not break my heart. If he did, she would kill him. Figuratively speaking of course.:)) He agreed and called me up that same week. I was really taken aback, I had to recall what he looked like in my mind. All I could remember was..."Oh, the Gothic guy, with the long black trench coat." I felt a bit apprehensive but since I had dated a lot of guys his age, I thought, why not! It might be exciting! So I said yes! I began to get really excited about the idea. Going to Winter Formal, with a mysterious Senior and buying a dress!! Cool!
My sister of course would join us with her boyfriend (now husband) and their group of friends, so I felt safe. I chose a long black dress with a pink satin breast line and pink spagetti straps. C showed up in a tux with a pink bow tie to match, and of course his black Doc's. He also had a pink Stargazer Lily corsage for my wrist. He was more handsome than I remembered. He was like an Andrew McArthy of "Pretty In Pink" simply beautiful. He couldn't stop smiling, and boy did he have a killer smile that made me weak in the knees. I had hoped his smiles meant he felt the same. We went to an Italian Restaurant as a group, I remember trying Calamari for the first time. Then off to the dance. We didn't stay for the whole dance but we did take pictures which I still have, (why did I tease my hair so much?). Next we headed over to a hotel party (which got awkward really fast, so we left). Then came the best part of the night, the part that holds the most memories. We all caravanned to a make-out spot somewhere in the West Covina Hills. I was a bit nervous because I knew he was more experienced than me. I knew we would be having our first kiss...and although I did have a lot of kissing experience, I assumed he wasn't a virgin and how could I possibly match up to that kind of experience? Amazingly we had great chemistry and he was very respectful keeping his hands to himself, only using them to caress my face and hair. His skin had the most hypnotic scent, and his lips were just as soft as I imagined and his taste was sweet.
I remember timing our make out session. C had this little digital clock clipped to his visor, and I would open my eyes and take a quick peek at the time every so often. I would gasp in my mind at how long we were kissing and how nice it was. How perfectly our mouths communicated. It was one of the perfect moments in life. I can still picture the city light's just over the hill and the way he pulled his car into the cul de sac sharply in a dangerous boy manner. And how for that moment I had his full attention.
This was the night I fell deeply in love with C. And of course as life would have it since he was much more experienced than me, our relationship could not last. He would eventually crave more and seek it else where. Since he respected me to much to put a hand on me other than kissing. He would heed to my sister's warning and subtly break things off with me...it kind of just dwindled away, rather than a clean break but what he didn't realize, is that that did in fact break my heart. To see him take so much interest in me, and then slowly move on with other girls, was heart breaking to watch. C would come back to visit me or call me every so often after he graduated. He knew I was different from all the other girls he sought intimacy with. I offered him a different kind of intimacy, one of laughter, one that baked him ginormous Chocolate Chip Cookies on his birthday and sometime's just because, (I would take them to school in a brown paper bag and write his name in marker. He would eat some at school and take the rest home, sometimes times requesting me to make more) one that was there to comb her fingers through his beautiful golden brown hair as he leaned against her chest; she would listened to all his troubles and thought's on life. Later after he graduated he would make excuses to call me out of the blue. Once he called to ask for my help typing a paper since I had taken typing for two years in school. I wondered why he needed my help, he was much smarter than me, when it came to academia anyway. I am a left brain thinker. C was almost 100% right brained. I never did type that paper. And eventually as time went on I grew tired of the let downs, and when I met M our meets dissipated completely.
It wasn't until almost twenty years later...thanks to facebook, that I talked to him, (both now Divorced). I still haven't seen him in person since 1993, only in pictures. He told me in a message, letting me go was one of the biggest regrets of his life along with his mistakes in his now broken marriage.
That was pretty big news to me. I had always felt we were soul mates but didn't think the feeling was mutual. As an adult though and with life experience under my belt, I took it with a grain of salt, and a little hope that it was true. Since then we have only spoken once on the phone but nothing came from it. C was the reason my serial dating went on. He was the only guy who held my heart while no other guy could quite match up. He had a way of making me feel so safe and vulnerable. Needed and loved.
I did however have a short lived relationship with G in the 10th grade but I ended up breaking things off after 3 months. I often wondered if what C did to me was what I did to G. G was one of the most considerate and respectful guys a girl can meet. He turned out to be very hot after high school too. I often regretted ending things with him the way I did. We had reconnected our junior year but only for a beach hang out. I had wished I was brave enough to keep him but by then I was so broken from C and later that year losing my father from the home, (my father went to prison by the end of my freshman year in high school, that's a whole other animal I will get into) that I just couldn't hold onto any relationship. I didn't know how to.
It's strange how the cycle of love ebbs and flows. It's like a tapestry of meetings and losses interwoven. A tapestry of beauty and tragedy. Indeed love is the utmost thing we crave. "To love and be loved," as C.S. Lewis says. To find that one special person who understands us and wants to love us despite ourselves. Someone to laugh with, dance with, cry with, make-love to, to care for...and to just sit and be still with.
And then there was M.
M and I met at the start of summer before my Senior year in high school. I was nearly 18 and he was 19. He had brought an end to my life of serial dating. I didn't know it then but I had coined the name "Heart Breaker" in high school. I would date guys for a limited time of 2wks, then move on to the next guy who caught my attention. It wasn't because I was out to hurt anyone...I'm sure it was do to the relationship I had with my father, or lack there of and the fact that my first love -C had broken my heart and no other guy could quite match up.
C was a Senior when I was a freshman in 1990. All the girls wanted him at school, I had no knowledge of him, however...I was too busy swooning over J.E one of the hottest guys on the Varsity Football team.
C and I met one night at the then famous El Loco in Covina Ca. (they filmed a lot of "Night Rider" episodes there and I believe some old "Duke's of Hazard"). C looked very mysterious in his long black trench coat stalky with broad shouldered's. He stood a little over six feet tall and wore black Doc Marten boots. I thought he was Gothic at the time with his pensive stare. He had silky fair skin, high cheek bones and hazel eyes; an alluring strong nose and fascinating lips. His hair was golden brown, he wore the top longer than the sides as it flipped to the side.
(Even though I was only a freshman my dad would make my older sister take me to hang out with her and her friends. This made me more well known in high school. I didn't pay attention much to labels, I just loved hanging out with them. They had become my friends too, like extended family. I would often whine to my dad that life wasn't fair if I couldn't go. He would eventually grow tired of hearing me grope and give in, and I would win. Which annoyed my sister, but I had my way of giving her puppy eyes and begging her to let me come too.) C and I were introduced that night at El Loco by my sister. It's all kinda foggy now, but I can't forgot when I first noticed him standing there against the white wall dressed in all black. It was very similar to the scene in Twilight when Bella first notice's Edward, (and on a side note C looks very similar to Robert Pattinson, back then anyways) I must admit though, that night I didn't think too much of his looks as much as his mysteriousness, he just seemed so different than the boys I normally went out with.
After meeting me that night, C was quite taken. He asked my sister's permission if he could take me to Winter Formal (I guess since I was only 15 at the time and he was 18 he worried that she might not approve). She said yes but on one condition, that he better not break my heart. If he did, she would kill him. Figuratively speaking of course.:)) He agreed and called me up that same week. I was really taken aback, I had to recall what he looked like in my mind. All I could remember was..."Oh, the Gothic guy, with the long black trench coat." I felt a bit apprehensive but since I had dated a lot of guys his age, I thought, why not! It might be exciting! So I said yes! I began to get really excited about the idea. Going to Winter Formal, with a mysterious Senior and buying a dress!! Cool!
My sister of course would join us with her boyfriend (now husband) and their group of friends, so I felt safe. I chose a long black dress with a pink satin breast line and pink spagetti straps. C showed up in a tux with a pink bow tie to match, and of course his black Doc's. He also had a pink Stargazer Lily corsage for my wrist. He was more handsome than I remembered. He was like an Andrew McArthy of "Pretty In Pink" simply beautiful. He couldn't stop smiling, and boy did he have a killer smile that made me weak in the knees. I had hoped his smiles meant he felt the same. We went to an Italian Restaurant as a group, I remember trying Calamari for the first time. Then off to the dance. We didn't stay for the whole dance but we did take pictures which I still have, (why did I tease my hair so much?). Next we headed over to a hotel party (which got awkward really fast, so we left). Then came the best part of the night, the part that holds the most memories. We all caravanned to a make-out spot somewhere in the West Covina Hills. I was a bit nervous because I knew he was more experienced than me. I knew we would be having our first kiss...and although I did have a lot of kissing experience, I assumed he wasn't a virgin and how could I possibly match up to that kind of experience? Amazingly we had great chemistry and he was very respectful keeping his hands to himself, only using them to caress my face and hair. His skin had the most hypnotic scent, and his lips were just as soft as I imagined and his taste was sweet.
I remember timing our make out session. C had this little digital clock clipped to his visor, and I would open my eyes and take a quick peek at the time every so often. I would gasp in my mind at how long we were kissing and how nice it was. How perfectly our mouths communicated. It was one of the perfect moments in life. I can still picture the city light's just over the hill and the way he pulled his car into the cul de sac sharply in a dangerous boy manner. And how for that moment I had his full attention.
This was the night I fell deeply in love with C. And of course as life would have it since he was much more experienced than me, our relationship could not last. He would eventually crave more and seek it else where. Since he respected me to much to put a hand on me other than kissing. He would heed to my sister's warning and subtly break things off with me...it kind of just dwindled away, rather than a clean break but what he didn't realize, is that that did in fact break my heart. To see him take so much interest in me, and then slowly move on with other girls, was heart breaking to watch. C would come back to visit me or call me every so often after he graduated. He knew I was different from all the other girls he sought intimacy with. I offered him a different kind of intimacy, one of laughter, one that baked him ginormous Chocolate Chip Cookies on his birthday and sometime's just because, (I would take them to school in a brown paper bag and write his name in marker. He would eat some at school and take the rest home, sometimes times requesting me to make more) one that was there to comb her fingers through his beautiful golden brown hair as he leaned against her chest; she would listened to all his troubles and thought's on life. Later after he graduated he would make excuses to call me out of the blue. Once he called to ask for my help typing a paper since I had taken typing for two years in school. I wondered why he needed my help, he was much smarter than me, when it came to academia anyway. I am a left brain thinker. C was almost 100% right brained. I never did type that paper. And eventually as time went on I grew tired of the let downs, and when I met M our meets dissipated completely.
It wasn't until almost twenty years later...thanks to facebook, that I talked to him, (both now Divorced). I still haven't seen him in person since 1993, only in pictures. He told me in a message, letting me go was one of the biggest regrets of his life along with his mistakes in his now broken marriage.
That was pretty big news to me. I had always felt we were soul mates but didn't think the feeling was mutual. As an adult though and with life experience under my belt, I took it with a grain of salt, and a little hope that it was true. Since then we have only spoken once on the phone but nothing came from it. C was the reason my serial dating went on. He was the only guy who held my heart while no other guy could quite match up. He had a way of making me feel so safe and vulnerable. Needed and loved.
I did however have a short lived relationship with G in the 10th grade but I ended up breaking things off after 3 months. I often wondered if what C did to me was what I did to G. G was one of the most considerate and respectful guys a girl can meet. He turned out to be very hot after high school too. I often regretted ending things with him the way I did. We had reconnected our junior year but only for a beach hang out. I had wished I was brave enough to keep him but by then I was so broken from C and later that year losing my father from the home, (my father went to prison by the end of my freshman year in high school, that's a whole other animal I will get into) that I just couldn't hold onto any relationship. I didn't know how to.
It's strange how the cycle of love ebbs and flows. It's like a tapestry of meetings and losses interwoven. A tapestry of beauty and tragedy. Indeed love is the utmost thing we crave. "To love and be loved," as C.S. Lewis says. To find that one special person who understands us and wants to love us despite ourselves. Someone to laugh with, dance with, cry with, make-love to, to care for...and to just sit and be still with.
And then there was M.
SingleMotherness: SingleMotherness-the start
SingleMotherness: SingleMotherness-the start: 2001: Allow me to go back to start. My youngest of three was having a hard time weaning off of my tired breast, just after her 1st birthday....
8/03/2012
SingleMotherness-the start (part I)
2001: Allow me to go back to start. My youngest of three was having a hard time weaning off of my tired breast, just after her 1st birthday. My older two children then 4 1/2 and 6yrs old were growing weary of living like caged birds in my mother's small upstairs 2bedroom apartment as my family of 5 crammed into one bedroom awaiting Escrow to close on our very first home, (My husband and I thought it would be wise to move out of our apartment and save until the 30day Escrow closed). Unbeknownst to me, this would be the perfect transition into my "SingleMotherness."
I will never forget the day I asked my husband the dreaded words any wife wants to ask...the husbandman of her youth..."Are you having an affair?" And yet how can I. It was on January 1st 2001. A day that is supposed to be a celebration of a New Year. A fresh start...the day we begin all of our New Year's Resolutions.
We had a small gathering at my Mother's apartment that day. Our closest friends and my youngest sister and her family filled the tiny apartment. I had just had my 27th birthday the week before, (December 29th) and I was making my husbands favorite dinner, Chicken Enchilada's, and don't forget, Escrow was just about to close! What could possibly go wrong? All was on the up and up.
Let me rewind though. A few weeks prior to New Year's my husband began to rapidly change. And although I saw many red flags of something very wrong in "Whoville" (Myville)...I ignored them; however, my Mother's keen sense and experience with an unfaithful husband/past, did not. You see, I was reading through books like, "Loving God With All Your Mind, and Proverbs 31 Woman" by Elisabeth George, I was too concerned with how to be the best Christian Mother and Wife I could possibly be...not falling into the assumption that my husband was being unfaithful, (although I was having dreams and concerns, I disregarded them). And then there was my Mother, living under her roof gave her special insight into our lives. She took notice of his many late night out's and very early morning's to work.. the sudden phone calls that kept him down stairs on the side walk talking all night. I just wrote it off as him wanting to get fresh-air from his Mother-in-law.
(The soundbite "Mother's Intuition," is on the money)
I remember a few days prior to New year's day, I was watching the movie "Pearl Harbor." I sat there crying and thinking, how could Nev Tyler's character cheat on Ben Aflek. "How horrible! If I were her, I would try and find out if he was really alive and wait for him," the narration in my head. I remember the ache in my stomach and running my fingers over my wedding band. Then like a sign from heaven I noticed a strange crack just at the bottom of my ring. I took it off and studied it. It was bent and cracked. "How did that happen, I don't remember slamming or hitting my finger," I thought to myself. I didn't realize it was a sign of my broken marriage until after the fact...when I played that day over and over in my mind.
January 1st 2001, without giving all the horrid details of how I found out...let's just leave it at, this was the day he chose to bring the tea kettle to boil. And I was devastated. So devastated and in shock that I literally thought we were reenacting a movie scene. I basically thought it wasn't real and it was all a horrible practical joke I was playing on myself, and that when he said he had been having an affair for nearly 3mos I thought I was dreaming...and that I was about to wake up any minute. At one point I had to keep myself from laughing, (an out of body experience) because I thought it wasn't real. Then when it finally hit me... my tears wouldn't stop flowing, and all I could do was hold onto my mom and sob. Suffice to say...this began the day of my New Year's Resolution, to make it in the cruel world of "SingleMotherness."
I decided tonight to blog about my journey because now 10yrs later (I'm 37 heading to 38) I still don't have life as a Single-Mom figured out and it is still very much a struggle. I have had some very ugly misfortunes on the way, and I will share some of those as this blog progresses. I can only say with certainty that if it wasn't for my faith in God, family and some amazing friendship's along the way...I would have lost my mind, and at time's I almost did.
So that's all for tonight, I have an early 5am shift so I better get some shut eye.
Much love.
-M
I will never forget the day I asked my husband the dreaded words any wife wants to ask...the husbandman of her youth..."Are you having an affair?" And yet how can I. It was on January 1st 2001. A day that is supposed to be a celebration of a New Year. A fresh start...the day we begin all of our New Year's Resolutions.
We had a small gathering at my Mother's apartment that day. Our closest friends and my youngest sister and her family filled the tiny apartment. I had just had my 27th birthday the week before, (December 29th) and I was making my husbands favorite dinner, Chicken Enchilada's, and don't forget, Escrow was just about to close! What could possibly go wrong? All was on the up and up.
Let me rewind though. A few weeks prior to New Year's my husband began to rapidly change. And although I saw many red flags of something very wrong in "Whoville" (Myville)...I ignored them; however, my Mother's keen sense and experience with an unfaithful husband/past, did not. You see, I was reading through books like, "Loving God With All Your Mind, and Proverbs 31 Woman" by Elisabeth George, I was too concerned with how to be the best Christian Mother and Wife I could possibly be...not falling into the assumption that my husband was being unfaithful, (although I was having dreams and concerns, I disregarded them). And then there was my Mother, living under her roof gave her special insight into our lives. She took notice of his many late night out's and very early morning's to work.. the sudden phone calls that kept him down stairs on the side walk talking all night. I just wrote it off as him wanting to get fresh-air from his Mother-in-law.
(The soundbite "Mother's Intuition," is on the money)
I remember a few days prior to New year's day, I was watching the movie "Pearl Harbor." I sat there crying and thinking, how could Nev Tyler's character cheat on Ben Aflek. "How horrible! If I were her, I would try and find out if he was really alive and wait for him," the narration in my head. I remember the ache in my stomach and running my fingers over my wedding band. Then like a sign from heaven I noticed a strange crack just at the bottom of my ring. I took it off and studied it. It was bent and cracked. "How did that happen, I don't remember slamming or hitting my finger," I thought to myself. I didn't realize it was a sign of my broken marriage until after the fact...when I played that day over and over in my mind.
January 1st 2001, without giving all the horrid details of how I found out...let's just leave it at, this was the day he chose to bring the tea kettle to boil. And I was devastated. So devastated and in shock that I literally thought we were reenacting a movie scene. I basically thought it wasn't real and it was all a horrible practical joke I was playing on myself, and that when he said he had been having an affair for nearly 3mos I thought I was dreaming...and that I was about to wake up any minute. At one point I had to keep myself from laughing, (an out of body experience) because I thought it wasn't real. Then when it finally hit me... my tears wouldn't stop flowing, and all I could do was hold onto my mom and sob. Suffice to say...this began the day of my New Year's Resolution, to make it in the cruel world of "SingleMotherness."
I decided tonight to blog about my journey because now 10yrs later (I'm 37 heading to 38) I still don't have life as a Single-Mom figured out and it is still very much a struggle. I have had some very ugly misfortunes on the way, and I will share some of those as this blog progresses. I can only say with certainty that if it wasn't for my faith in God, family and some amazing friendship's along the way...I would have lost my mind, and at time's I almost did.
So that's all for tonight, I have an early 5am shift so I better get some shut eye.
Much love.
-M
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