I was woken at 2AM this morning as my girls rushed into my room. They had received a phone call from their father saying it was urgent he talk to me. "Mom!!" the girls said in unison with a look of worry. I tried to lift my heavy head from my indented pillow still half asleep, "What?" I replied with a crackly voice.
"It's Dad he needs to talk to you." Considering the hour we were all worried something bad had happened. The girls thought perhaps someone was in an accident, and I thought his Dad had passed away since he has been battling Cancer over the last two years.
"Hello," I said still half a sleep my head barely lifted from the pillow.
"Melissa, I want you to take a few seconds and wake up. Stand up if you have to. I have something very, very important to say." said -M with a crisp clear tone.
"What? Why...is your Dad ok?" (or else why on earth would you call to wake me at this hour)
"Melissa...please please listen to me...are you awake?"
"Yes. What do you want" -I was more irritated than before, now that I knew his father wasn't dead.
"Melissa, Melissa...I want to tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you. For the first time in my LIFE...in my LIFE...I know what you went through." he said admittedly (after seven years of marriage and 3 children, he was cheating on me with a co-worker..3months before I found out...and when he finally admitted it, he didn't want to leave her...nor me for a while..until he got her pregnant that is..but then even still he didn't want to divorce me, he made me do the dirty work. But he looked into my eyes with the deadest stare void of any remorse...when he told me he couldn't leave her -this he compared to his news).
"I called you because out of everyone you are the only person who could understand what I'm going through right now. And I feel your pain. -A has been cheating on me with her old boyfriend and I just read the text he sent her asking her to come and be with him, and she admitted it was true when I confronted her, that they have been sleeping together." (-M used more explicit wording)
-M continued apologizing to me and expressing how much it hurt him that she could do this to him, and how alone he felt...without a job, a home, or car. (he recently lost his job, sold his car for money, and had been living with her while he seeks unemployment) She agreed to let him stay until he finds a job but wants him out.
I lie there on my bed with my daughter's cell phone in hand...eye's closed, thinking, "Why am I listening to this? Why is he calling me and telling me this? Should I care or be surprised that the same woman who took part in destroying our marriage would have any conviction for destroying her own relationship with my ex-husband? Should I pity him? What does he want me to say?" These were all the questions swarming my half woken mind.
All I could say or think to say was..."-M, don't do anything stupid," realizing the state of mind he was in and the fact that he is a man, I was worried he might harm someone or himself.
I continued to remind him he had four kids to think about (our three, and the one he and -A had together)...and if he did anything stupid, it would only bring more harm to them. He agreed even though he said he was trying his hardest not to. At that point all I wanted to do was hang up. I have no remorse for him what so ever. I had no feeling...All I could think was I want to go back to bed. I am more frustrated that you disturbed my sleep to tell me you are sorry that you now feel the same pain you put me through. The pain I felt as a young mother who had waisted her youth on a heartless man...that would leave her for a woman who would in turn do the same thing to him. What a waste!!
You see. -M was at one time a devoted father. A man who didn't want to turn out like his own Dad who left his wife and gave -M countless let downs, -he used to promise to pick up -M when he was a boy only to leave him sitting on the porch for hours...a no show. A father who didn't pay child support and would eventually move far away to live with his mistress, only to see his son's on special occasion's.
Now -M had basically done the same thing to his own family. He pays the least amount possible of child support leaving our three children to go without so much, (yet tries to make me feel guilty for what he gives, saying it's a sacrifice for him). When we are struggling to pay rent or buy groceries or school supplies/clothes...he rarely cares to step in and help. In fact he leaves it to the concern of my own family to spend their money on our children. And of course my family always steps in to help. If it were not for them we would surely be worse off. Why do people feel the need to say, things like, "At least he gives you money," or "At least he see's his kids." I think it would be less harm if he were completely out of the picture than to be in the picture and act like he is sacrificing so much for his kids. That is more heartless. To be so near and see your own kids struggling and not want to step in and help more. Not want to give your children more than you had. That is more of a slap in the face than fleeing.
Our son refused to go on his weekend visits with -M 2yrs ago now because he hated watching his father's demise. He could no longer bare the pain of his father not believing in him as a son, -M constantly put's him down for the young man he's become, (a young man of conviction and faith).... Yet he still prays for his Dad....he still hopes that -M will turn his life around and have faith again like he used to. He tries to hold onto the memory of the good O'l days when he was a man of faith, a man who stood strong amongst the pressure's of life. A man who pursued God and used his talents for God. A father who used to pick up his son and look into his eyes and tell him how much he loved him and was proud of him.
So now 10yrs later...after I have struggled to make it as a single mother. To relearn everything and move forward from such a great let down. 10yrs after looking into the cold blank stare of my husband when he said..."I'm so sorry Melissa, you will be fine...you are a strong woman. You are a good mother...but I love -A...and I don't want to leave her."
Well now He is enduring the same pain..as his facebook post says..."I never thought I could look into the eyes of someone so void of feeling." (concerning -A his mistress and live in girlfriend of ten years...who has been cheating on him for some time).
I don't think he could ever understand the pain he put me through. The pain of his disregard. The pain of his indifference, when he broke his marriage vows...to me and to our children. Does he really know the sick feeling I felt in my stomach as I considered how he could be sleeping with another woman and me his wife -at the same time! Does he really understand how difficult it was to be weaning off a 1yr old baby while trying to deal with a broken marriage, and no where to live. The nights I cried myself to sleep. Every day I had to look in the eyes of our children and tell them "I don't think daddy's coming back." or "Pray for your Daddy that he will come back to God." And to have to listen to those innocent prayers every day and night...do you understand that pain?
He left us homeless, without a car, without a job, without our protector. Does he really know the pain I felt. The fear? No -M you will never know the extent of my pain and loss. The extent of our children's pain to lose their father to a woman they didn't even know, and watch you start a new family with her. -M you will never know nor understand the pain you put us through. What you are feeling now is the sting of sin. The sting of sin catching up with you. The sting of God's chastisement that He will not let His children go unpunished. In the world's terms it's Karma.. But in God's term's it's reaping what we sow.
I hope you turn your life back around. I hope you come crawling back to your Father like the prodigal son. Because life apart from God is no life at all. No matter how much you try to make yourself believe otherwise.
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