"I forgive you" (part II to forgive the mistress)

As though saying I forgive you to my ex-husband was enough, tonight I was asked to forgive the woman who helped bring upon the division of my marriage -A.  I hadn't met her personally until three years after my marriage broke up, nor did I want to. Although everything in me wanted to fight that moment, I had been given the grace and forgiveness by God to graciously greet her with a hug in 2004. How that spell came over me back then, could only be explained by the love and grace of God. And now eight years later, after suppressed anger had formed in my heart against her, I have been given that same spirit of forgiveness, and opportunity to be freed from it. 

Garcia Trail, Glendora Ca.

My kids half-brother C stood over night this weekend and was picked up by A. We have remained on respectable speaking terms all these years, however, there has always been a hovering spirit of awkwardness and form of resentment on both parties. She for being the other woman and me for being the other woman, if you know what I mean. As I shared in my previous blog I have long since been over M but there has remained that lingering pain and resentment for the destruction of our family. As well as the sting for all that the kids and I have had to endure through our journey as a single family. I the Protagonist, against my two Antagonists...A & M. It has not been an easy road by no means. Both A & M have caused me much pain and difficulty with their erratic behavior and choices that have affected my family.

After A picked up her son she came back with a few groceries as a peace offering. I felt moved to go outside and thank her. She got out of her car and we instinctively hugged. But this was no ordinary hug, it was filled with sorrow and shame, and a strange sense of relief. As our eyes teared up and the sound of sniffling filled our ears, we both felt the tired struggle come to an end. The feelings of betrayal and resentment lifted from our hearts. We both knew our failures and the failures of M...the pain he had caused both of us and his current emotional state.

I felt A's guilt and desire to be forgiven. I was compelled to receive her peace offering. She apologized for all the pain she had caused me and the kids, and I followed with..."I forgive you." Those same words that slipped from my lips a week ago to M had now echoed in the night air, yet again.  A feeling of peace came over me in that moment, and I thanked God that I was able to say it again, and this time with more ease.

A and I hugged for what felt like five minutes as my older daughter looked on, (although she could not understand my ability to forgive the woman who has kicked her father out of his home leaving him nearly homeless as well as committing adultery with him. -I later explained to her that God wanted me to forgive them both).  The dark sky pressed in as the car's headlights reflected light off her face. A sense of irony filled the air as I was compelled to share with her my story. I felt her pain as the tears swelled in her eyes, and looked at her with humility, as a daughter of God. How could I continue to hold any type of anger towards a woman that has never understood the love and salvation of Christ as I have. How could I withhold the same forgiveness that has been given to me? All these years I could not fully let go of my bitterness until that moment, and now I know compassion.

 I explained to her the different type of man M has become from the man I once knew and married.  How it is his divided heart that keeps him in a constant spiritual struggle and lack of motivation. His struggle is a spiritual one and he must hit bottom before he comes up again. Once a man has known the love of God and walks away from it he is never the same, and A attested to M's behavior realizing the truth in what I shared.  -Luke 15:11-32 KJ

(Recently he moved back in with her as she allowed him a few more days to get his stuff together. He has now found a room to rent for the time being. But she explained that she is done and tired of him living off of her. I encouraged her to do what she needed to do, that he is a man and has never had to be on his own as he went from Moms, to me, then to her. Yet as single mother's we have had to learn how to provide for our kids and be on our own. It is now time for him to do the same and, "Go it alone."

I don't know what A will do with what I shared. My prayer is that she will know the love of God and all that he desires for her, and fully receive my forgiveness. To no longer live with the shame and guilt her sin has caused her.  As for me... I feel free!!

Follow Me:))

Since I am still a "newbie" Blogger I just realized I didn't have the Follow icon up this whole time..but it's now up!! Follow me and share with friends and family!

Much love,
Melissa

"I forgive you."

On the other end of the cell was a man's voice,  the man who was once, my spouse, my groom. Yet had become the Antagonist in my life. His voice crackled as tears formed in his eyes. If I had not gone through what I had these past three months my heart would not have been soft enough, nor humble enough to receive his apology. To break through the barrier of my resentment and say..."I forgive you."

A top the Garcia Trail in Glendora Ca. is a cross with a prayer box.

My chest ached from the callousness that had formed around it for nearly eleven years. I felt it, the spirit of forgiveness was inside these four walls of stone crying to get out. I felt it caged inside like a prisoner. I felt that young girl inside afraid, ashamed, and insecure. I felt her in there saying..."I forgive you M," I forgive you for taking away my dreams...I forgive you for making me believe that you would love me for the rest of your life and be the father to our children...provider, protector, and lover." "I forgive you for choosing the woman who would lead you to destruction, and for allowing your family to be nomads while you caroused, and spent our money on worthless things...for turning your back on your children, for nearly beating me that night, for making my life hell. I forgive you for all the times you called yelling at me, and trying to turn me from my faith." 

M's voice altered from tears and regret -for not listening to me when I asked him back then..."Please come home." He told me those are the words that echoe in his mind as of late, -that day he sat on my bed and I on the work-out bench in my room across from him.  I was just 27 then, (at my first apartment) I held Bella our youngest on my lap, as he stared at me with glass eyes. I could not even see my reflection, just darkness and emptiness of soul. I begged him quietly to come home, and he coldly said, "I can't."  Now nearly eleven years later, those are the words that echo in his mind as he faces the same thing "Please come home." He said the humility on my face and in my voice was what he recalls most. M is now reaping all that he sowed these 10 1/2 years.  He is now empty and facing homelessness this very night, admitting this all to me, as a cry for forgiveness.

(The woman he left me for has now left him for someone else. He had given his life to her and lived with her all this time raising their son and her son from a previous relationship and now she has told him to leave. He is jobless, carless, and now homeless. He said he packed his back-pack and is ready to face his lot. But he wanted my forgiveness and to hear my voice first. He craved that human connection, that listening ear because almost everyone in his life has shut him out or given up on him).

I felt it ironic that I had just written a song of the very thing he would be facing, something I had experienced in my time walking and taking the bus everywhere while my license was suspended this past 3mos. (see Waiting & Scented Candles Blog)

 Here are the lyrics I wrote just before M called.

The road is narrow ahead
summers overstayed it's welcome, the blue moon stained red.
You go it alone cos no one is home this time

The street is so loud
the stranger's crowed around
the heat presses in
unfamiliar sound
to be alone again
to be alone again

You and your travel'n shoes
worn to the pavement 
but you refuse to let that stop you 
whistle'n to the sound of your heart race'n you're gonna reach the end

You go it alone cos no one is home this time
You go it alone cos no one is home this time

I told him about the song, and how ironic it was that he would say he would be living on the streets for a while. He asked me to sing it to him, so I did. I felt that it was something God wanted him to hear, perhaps words that would echo in his heart in weeks to come. "Perhaps going it alone and wearing out his shoe's on the pavement is the very thing that will bring him back to the Lord," -I thought to myself as he talked.  Perhaps he will be as the prodigal son, who used all of his inheritance on indulging and feeding the flesh only to find himself empty and homeless. Just as the prodigal son who came crawling back to his father -literally, M will too, come back to his father, -God. -Luke 15:11-32  I don't know that for sure, -but I do remember the prayers the kids and I prayed and I know God is faithful to remember too. I do not wish for M to be my husband again. But I do wish for him to be right with God and be a father to his children. A father they could have faith in again and look up to. A father they could come to for prayer and guidance.

I felt M's pain, and loss.  I remembered my pain, and fear of going it alone, and knew this was now something he must face as a part of his reaping. We talked for a good hour, and I still felt very distant from the man I once knew but I felt the presence of God showing me how to love and forgive. I believe it was a part of my healing, a part of my growing and a great thorn being removed from my heart. The sin of bitterness, and unforgivingness.  I told M that I have felt resentfulness towards him and anger for all that the children and I have gone through, and how I gave up my dreams for him to start a family only to be betrayed and abandon, left with the responsibility of parenting alone.

 But I also told him that it is what God permitted in my life so that I could grow up, and mature in my faith. It was God who knew I could handle this burden, it was God who took me through this desert time, just as Moses or Joseph who suffered with loss of home and family (Genesis) to become the men that God desired them to be. To be used for greater things. I could not have become the woman I am today without the stripping of all that was dear to me. It is through much pain and loss that patience, and humility are born; strength of character and faith in God.  Truly the past three months has softened me, and now looking back...I see that it was for my own good, that it prepared my heart for tonight. I see, that I needed to forgive in order to truly move forward.

M told me all he needed to hear was the words, "I forgive and love you." He needed that affirmation. I didn't want to. My flesh that is. My sinful nature wrestled within. "No, don't say it! You can't because it's not true!" But my spirit...said, "Yes M, I forgive you, and I love you, not that man you are now, but your soul...the man who is the father of our children...that man I once knew, I love." 

Before I told him those three words, I told him how thankful I was that God has blessed our children despite all they have gone through -they turned out amazing. They don't drink, and party, and run the streets and sleep around. They are not into drugs and getting into trouble, but rather they are creative, and happy. They live fulfilled lives through serving others and attending youth group, busying themselves with fun activities and the Arts. I cannot thank God enough for keeping their hearts so tender and humble.

And then came that moment, the moment I was avoiding...before hanging up. I knew I needed to tell him and mean it, and he was waiting for it though he insecurely said -"You don't have to say it Melissa, but it would sure be great to hear it." I felt that stone wall in my heart cracking as the words tried to escape. I asked God to give me the courage to say it, and He did...    "I forgive you M, and I love you."  

Yes I cried afterward, even now as I write this Blog, my heart is still tender. After we hung up, the story of my grief, the burden I have been caring was now released. I wanted to cry and cry...but I knew I needed to go to my son and tell him, I knew this would help him heal too. One image that remained in my mind while I spoke to M was that image of our son's face looking up at his father with hope...that last look before it was crushed by their marred relationship. The betrayal of a father walking out on his son...left to figure out his manhood on his own. My son listened to me as I cried and told him what happened, he put his hand on my shoulder and found hope, that his father would one day find himself and God again. 

I have longed for the day I could release this burden. I wanted to know what it felt like because though I tried in the past, I could never quite achieve it, M would always do something else to anger me and cause me to lose hope. But now, I understand, and know forgiveness. 

Thankful Irony

Me in Tecate, Mexico; Missions trip 2006

I just wanted to take the time to thank those of you who have found me and continue to read my Blog. I am fairly new at this but have a deep love for writing. Although I am sure for those of you who are high on grammar perfection, it's not always easy to read without an imaginary red pen -well, I still have a ways to go but fear not!! I am pursuing English/Creative Writing and Literature as Majors, so I know one day I to will look back at some of these Blogs and say, "Oh my gosh, why did I write this or that!"

Nonetheless, I will continue to Blog and pray that my words can be encouraging and uplifting to those of you who continue to read and check back in for updates. Today as I cheered to myself that someone from Canada (whoa Robin Scherbatsky-HIMYM!!) actually viewed my blog I had this sense of Irony in me. I realized that my words are reaching place's I have longed to Travel to but haven't had the finances to. First let me share those of you who are viewing it: Canada, the UK, Germany, South Korea, China, The Philippines, and various parts of the US. I don't know how you found me and why you continue to read, perhaps you google searched words like, Single, Single Mother, Alone, or Candles -and there's my Blogger name DalyrimpleDecemeber (Dalyrimple from one of my favorite F.Scott Fitzgerald essay's and December for my birth month) maybe you googled one of those words...or for you Bloggers you may have stumbled onto my Blog and liked the lovely pictures of "Cool Hand Luke," (I adore Paul Newman) in "The 50 Egg Challenge or "Amelie" my favorite French film, on my Blog "Go it alone." However you found me, I am most grateful and would love to hear back from you. Post a comment or follow me...and share it with friends who might need to hear that they are not alone in this world of single-parenting, or feeling alone, or in financial hardships. Life is so varying we cannot know what to expect of it.

I do own a passport but it remains unstamped. I had bought it one year when I had planned on traveling to Scotland with a group from my Church. They went yearly to perform for The Fringe Festival. I was so excited and took 2weeks off of work. Scotland is the Country my heart longs to go to...I often dream of it and write about it. I guess I first fell in love with the idea of Scotland when I watched Braveheart back in 1995. I loved the movie so much I named my two daughters after the heroine characters. Murron, Williams wife and Queen Isabelle, his secret lover, (I spell Murron, Marren, and Isabelle, Isabella but we call her Bella, not because of Twilight although Bella is very happy she had the name first and adores the Twilight films. I even gave Isabella the middle name Rain because I adore the rain and in Scotland it often rains, I know I don't have to live in it on a daily basis but I guess I wouldn't mind to). Well, as my life would have it, I wasn't able to raise enough money to purchase my flight to Scotland so I spent those two weeks home -since I already had the vacation time.  I sat there and cried most days as I saw my friends facebook pictures being posted regularly -the beautiful magical land of green, it's city of Edinburg, Castles, and great landscapes of green hills and trees...:( I was so sad and yet being so close to going -then having it taken away was devastating. I had saved some of my own money and raised donations, and sold some of my artwork...but it just wasn't enough to take me to Scotland. I used some of those days I was home to work on my book while I lived vicariously through my friends pictures and stories. Needless to say, I felt like I wasn't good enough for God to send me...I am being totally honest. I went over a hundred reasons in my mind why he didn't allow me to go...it made me feel very insecure and like a failure.  I guess I won't know exactly why my other friends where able to raise the money simply on donors yet I could not until heaven because only God knows why he felt it wasn't my time.

I kept thinking about Paul the Apostle who longed to go to Rome to preach the gospel and the Holy Spirit forbid him to go over and over again...it wasn't until he was in chains that he was sent to Rome as a Prisoner not as a free man, and he did indeed share the gospel as he hoped but it wasn't in his way or his timing, (no I don't want to go in chains;) I will say, it is a deep yearning to go outside of my Country and see different landscapes, oceans, Architecture, and meet new people to hear their stories and laugh with them or cry with them play music and do art with them....and when close friends and family get to go on a regular basis by means they don't even have or hear my customers at work tell me "Yah, I'm going to England, Canada, Russia, Germany... this week for work....I really feel like God has had me on time out because I know that he could make it happen if he wanted. But I must trust him that for whatever reason it's not my time. And when I say I am truly grateful and excited that people of places I have longed to travel to, have welcomed me into their home or office via Blog!! I am Ecstatic!!! Honestly and Truly I am!!! Though I am not there in body I am there in word:))

Galup, NM 2010
My younger sister Stephanie and her fam moved to Albuquerque, NM almost 3yrs ago now. We stopped at a gas station in Galop here on our journey to go visit her for the New Year. 

Places I have visited:  Albuquerque and Deming New Mexico, Arizona, Tecate Mexico, San Francisco, and Denver Colorado. I have not even touched my idea of travel. 

Thank you!!! 

Melissa aka Dalyrimple December

SingleMotherness: Waiting & Scented Candles

SingleMotherness: Waiting & Scented Candles: Today marks about two months since I have been unable to drive my car. I almost lost heart because I received a letter in the mail from ...

Waiting & Scented Candles

Today marks about two months since I have been unable to drive my car. I almost lost heart because I received a letter in the mail from the courts saying they dismissed a ticket, (you know those annoying Red light tickets that get you on a yellow). I was hoping it was the courts freeing me from my suspended license after I sent in all my hospital records as proof that I was ill and in the hospital during the time my speeding ticket (going 49 in a 45 zone) was due... I missed/forgot the payment date last September 2011 when I took ill. 

. 

Last September 2011 I was very ill with Chronic Anemia. An Iron deficiency that attacks the Red Blood Cells. RBC's contain pigment called Haemoglobin that attach to oxygen and carry it within the blood to the tissues; when they get to an area the oxygen is needed they give it up and pick up carbon dioxide which they carry back to the lungs. 

 -info@Cancer Research UK

 It had slowly attacked my RBC's so much that everyday my body felt weaker and weaker, my bones ached and my chest bones felt like they were slowly breaking. I know it slowed the oxygen to my brain because despite my normal dorkiness -I was very forgetful and often lost my train of thought midway in conversation, it was often humiliating as I would stare into space or stammer my words.  Other symptoms were heart palpitations, shortness of breath, headache, anxiety, depression, and facial twitching. I had lost so much energy all I wanted to do was come home after work and lay in bed because my joints hurt so bad. I work (as I mentioned in previous Blog's) at a fast pace Coffee House. Multitasking and fast movements are a must. Despite my pain I forced myself to get through the 6 day work week, as well as driving my kids to and from school and attending my Woman's Study, Church, Improv Group and Acting Classes. 

Within three months time I began having emotional break downs crying a lot or yelling at my kids for the littlest things. I often felt lonely and that no one cared about me (this a symptom from my depression). We all knew it wasn't normal but just put up with it -I had delayed going to the Doctor's because life was just too busy for me and I really didn't want to spend the extra money for co-pay Doctor visits, -and the day quickly crept up on me. I bore with the pain still unaware how low my blood count had gotten -then the day I thought I was going to die hit me like a wall. I didn't know if it was a heart attack or what was happening to me. I could no longer gasp for air, my chest felt like it was going to crack in half and I had to wail out a cry just to breath in again, (My son had just come in the room when my girls knocked at the back door. I barely had enough strength to open it as I stood hunched over gasping for air. I think my son was in shock cos he stood there watching me, as the girls came in from Youth Group. My kids followed me in my room asking what was wrong. I cried out, "I don't know!! Earlier I had called my Mom and sister to let them know I had felt pain in my chest, and shortness of breath; my mom was on her way to take me into Urgent care). I fell over onto my bed, and let out a loud wail from the pain. I felt like it was the only way I could take my next breath. I know I had frightened my kids like never before. 

Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart -wait I say on the Lord. Psalm 27:14 KJ

 My Mom arrived within the first half hour of my call, we headed to the hospital just a block away. They got me in quickly and asked a series of questions took my vitals, etc...I could not keep from crying and apologizing for the inconvenience I was causing...I don't know why I was compelled to be so apologetic but I was. The pain in my body became so crippling that all I could do was shiver. After getting me in a hospital bed they proceeded to run more tests...and once I was admitted the tests continued. I was pricked, stuck, and had to drink a big jug of the "magic water"-every cavity of my body had a tube up it/in it the whole four days of my stay. Needless to say, I was spent and violated.;) After everything was ruled out...they realized my body was craving blood...yes...I am a Vampire;)) They fed me two units of Iron and then a unit of blood -diagnosis "Chronic Anemia." Attributed from my heavy menstrual cycles. ( I have had Anemia since I was a young girl but this was the worst it's ever hit me) I felt like it was a scene out of X Men or The Hulk...with all the tests and tubes and especially with the blood transfusion, I felt like I was Mutating with a strangers blood (thank you stranger for saving my life) shooting into my viens. If you have read my Blogs you know I have a big imagination:)).  My Haemoglobin had dropped from an 8 to 7 by the next day in the hospital, I was told that if I had waited one more day I could have died in my sleep, (A normal Woman's RBC is 12.1-15.1).

After I was released I had a series of Doctor's visits...I had spent $200. on Doctor visit's alone within the first month of my release (my co-pay is $30.).  My next decision was whether or not to have a full Hysterectomy. I opted on the more conservative route since I had just turned 37 and had only been married once. I couldn't imagine losing all of my womanly emotions and the future thought of Marrying again and not being able to have one more child (at least) was scary. November's Surgery came...I was prepped for a DNC and the insertion of the Mirena (a birth control that decreases my blood flow). September through December were very difficult. This illness had affected my health and finances. I soon faced an almost Eviction from my home as my Landlord showed no mercy over my late rent the following months. She was ruthless until her Father stepped in and took over as Landlord, (a family owned business). That was through much prayer from friends and family.

So now what I face is the reaping and sowing of forgetting to pay that speeding ticket while all that mess was going on. The Traffic Courts noted it as a "Failed to Pay," and sent it to the Courts Collections who show no mercy. Sometime in July I received the letter saying my license was suspended. After visiting the Court House numerous times I was told I must pay it in full before I could get my license reinstated. I sent a full statement of my situation to the court with documents regarding my hospital stay and visits; yet nada. It's been two months of taking the bus, walking, and carpooling; and we all know the tempts have been in the tripple digits, -so it's not too comfortable. I don't understand these hiccups in my life (tickets are not always deserved or fair and the fines are ridiculous) yet I have had to take responsibility for it. I have had to face the fact that I forgot all about it's due date and putting off going to the Doctors till it was nearly too late. And so here I am. Waiting for the day I get my Financial aid (from school) so that I could pay that fine that binds my freedom from driving....it would be a better senario if my child support was coming in regularly...but as trials/timing would have it...it's not. It's gone from a consistant bi-weekly to once a month half the amount two months now. So finances are not my friend. "Singlemotherness" 

 And so I wait....on the Lord. And decide to be thankful I am still alive to have these hardships? I guess. Maybe Heaven would have been better -then I would be a real Super Hero...flying and Morphing...haha I guess I will take earth and it's lovely trials that build character and faith, allow me to remain with my family, and give opportunity for others to come through for me. It is indeed a humbling experience to receive. It's so easy to be the giver...there is pride even in giving... but it is more humbling to be on the receiving end. I have been blessed in my life to be both the giver and receiver...and of course I would much rather be the giver. So I do it when I can!

After finding out the ticket that was dismissed (in the letter I received today) wasn't the one I had hoped for, the bigger one that suspended my license...I felt very downcast, and do you know what cheered me up, after my Niece drove me to Trader Joe's to pick up grocery's we made a stop at "Bath-n-Body Works" so I could buy some candles for my home, (I love scented candles:)) I found the most amazing scent called "White Barn" it is a mix of Nutmeg and Spice but has the most intoxicating sexy smell. haha I could not stop from giggling as I smelt the candle the whole way home. My Niece kept laughing at me cos I was so overjoyed by this Candle! It burns in my house now! My facebook post read.."If I could make love to this candle I would, it smells so good!" -paraphrased. I am thankful for the little things that keep my head afloat and my nose happy.  "Waiting & Scented Candles" 

Patient Eyes, Patient Heart

Today I was ecstatic the weather cooled down!!

I enjoyed some time creating a few fun pics while the breeze came in.

                        It's been terribly hot and humid the past couple months. Yesterday it even smelt like sulfer it was so humid. So of course when it cooled down I was overjoyed!! 

I have been especially thankful the last couple of months despite my circumstances, which have been tough to take. Somehow God has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding, -one I have not  experienced in my walk of faith for some time. Of course the first couple of weeks didn't start out that way. I cried like a baby to be going through the "same" financial hardships and vehicle set backs that have plagued my life for nearly eleven years in my "Singlermotherness," (I thought I had paid my dues and I should be beyond them at this stage in my life)...it can be very inconvenient living in such a fast pace environment, with three kids and such busy schedules to be without one's car. I have been on a time-out so to speak from my car, forced to walk and bus everywhere, taking rides when they are offered for myself or kids, -and yet God has shown me even the beauty in that. 

 

By opening up the hearts of friends, family and even some of my faithful Customers from the Cafe' I work for, who have offered rides, carpooling, grocery's or clothes for my girls, school supplies when the girls first went back to school, and funds that showed up in the mail -sent from Anonymus.  It has been a treat to have my eyes open to the beauty of our City as we walk from place to place. I was just telling my girls as we walked to Cold Stone last night..."Don't you feel so close to our City, -like it's family?" and my youngest daughter Bella said, "Do you mean connected, because we walk everywhere and see everything?" "Yes, I replied. But it's like I know every stretch of land, and tree, and squirrel on a more personal level because I walk to school and all the local stores, and it's just become a part of me."

I have taken notice of certain plants and trees that have become my favorite sites to see on my way to and from Citrus College. There are some very unique Pine trees I sometimes have to just stop and gaze at for a few minutes because they are so magical. What first seemed like a distance has become a short walk from home, because I have learned to be patient and take in all of the beauty my City has to offer. From the subtle breeze, to the landscape, and skyline, -even the crickets that hop along my path in the night. The traffic that moves at a steady pace and the pedestrians who walk to and fro, the homeless who ride their bikes all over town carrying their recyclables in plastic bags, have all become part of my canvas scenery.  I have always enjoyed nightly jogs through my city, and hikes up The Garcia Trail but even more so now that I have gotten to know Glendora -the City I have lived in most of my life, in a more intimate way, -it has truly become my home. 

"I now see things with Patient Eyes and a Patient Heart."

SingleMotherness: Go it alone

SingleMotherness: Go it alone: Today I wanted to share, as facebook asks "What's on your mind..."  Being alone, is what's on my mind.   I'm hoping this Blog will encoura...

Go it alone

Today I wanted to share, as facebook asks "What's on your mind..." Being alone, is what's on my mind.  I'm hoping this Blog will encourage you single-parents out there, for it is an arduous path, that no one can fully understand unless treaded upon,  -not even the children of single parents can grasp the complexity of it, (Lord willing they will not have to later in life).

Stories vary from one single parent to the next, whether one child, two, three (like myself) or four, and  God bless the parent who has five or more! The first struggle is going it alone, the second is feeling alone, and the third being alone. But the great new's is "We are not alone!"

The first time I realized I was going it alone... was my first night at my newly rented apartment, nearly 2mos after he left. A fear came over me that I could not describe. "Who will check the locks at night, who will protect us in case of an emergency, who will tuck the kids in bed and keep me warm?" I cried the night before moving into my new apartment with all of those fears swarming in my mind...I remember the phone call with my husband (at the time) crying about my fear of being alone at night. He smugly said, "You will be ok, I'm so sorry Melissa," (at the time we were still married and he left to be with his mistress). I had lost that sense of independence I had as a teen, since we had been married seven years just out of high school.

But something marvelous happened that first night, -after tucking the kids in bed and praying over them. I checked all the windows and locks and greeted the Moon that left some light above my home. I turned off all the light's except the bathroom for my kids, (and me) got on my knees and prayed before getting into bed. That night my sleep was jarred by my daughter groaning in bed. I quickly got up to check on her only to find the blankets pushed down to her feet. Lifting them to cover her, I heard a still small voice that whispered in my ear..."The LORD wakes you, to be your covering." 
I gasped at the sound of this voice that felt so familiar. I immediately recalled my Pastor mentioning how God speaks to us in a "still small voice." The way he spoke to many of the Prophets and disciples in the Bible. It's just like a subtle breeze, so gentle you can miss it if you're not listening or not paying attention. I quickly ran to my room and wrote it in my Bible so that I would not forget or think it was just a dream. And sure enough the next morning there it was scribbled in the dark. "The LORD wakes you to be your covering." 

I realized that it was God telling me, "You don't have to fear, just as you were covering your daughter to keep her warm and safe in the dark...I will be that for you and your family. I will be your covering, I will be your protection. You don't need a husband to do those things for you, I AM God. I AM your Covering, trust me."  -He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust; his truth shall be thy shield and buckler Psalm 91:4 KJ  -There has never been a night after that that I felt fear in my home (homes, I moved a lot:), I have had a peace that surpasses all understanding - and realized that I wasn't alone.


Feeling alone.... I had lived with my sister and her family for a short time before getting our own place, and hadn't been going to church since I didn't have a car yet and really didn't feel like going back, ( I had left my former church since I didn't want to answer any questions of where my husband was. He was a Youth Pastor, a man all the youth looked up to, a relatable guy because of his sense of humor and the fact that he was a talented Rap Artist set him apart. How could I explain to them that the Man they loved and looked up to had left his family to be with another woman. I wanted to protect them from being let down and could not bare to face the questions). One day my brother-in-law asked, "Why don't you and the kids just come to church with us...you're already getting counseling with the Pastor, -you should just come, you'll like it." 

The first day I felt so out of place, a twenty-seven year old woman in her prime with a one, five, and six year old. Looking around with my timorous eyes I saw a sea of families and single's, I didn't notice any other single-mothers.  It was a small church... kinda like a small town, -everybody knew everybody's business. So of course all eyes where on me. This new young woman with three "very" young kids WITHOUT a husband, -I stuck out like a sore thumb. Church's are full of "families" it's easier to spot a desolate woman over a woman who is attending church alone because her husband wanted to stay home for the Football game, over a woman who just lost her husband.  I did feel very insecure, and very alone, and of course as soon as the worship service started so did my stream of tears and humiliation...anything could provoke me to cry since my heart was so delicate. I was a mess by the end of service. Red and puffy eyes, tissue's given by the woman next to me -who noticed my sniffling, and of course those sniffles turned into a downpour snot-full mess! Yes, sad to say every sunday and wednesday night (weeknight church) after that was a snot-full mess for at least that whole year. But crying is a good thing:) I must say though, the love that surrounded me was overwhelming.  This church I had initially felt intimidated by took me and my children in as their own family.
 - God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6 KJ

Soon enough I was welcomed to join the children's ministry and after a short time I joined the worship team, and later the drama ministry. I was slowly forgetting that we were alone. There were many family picnics and party's to attend my kids found safety in all the new friends they were making, -me as well, as I attended the women's bible studies gaining a strong sister-hood. We may appear alone on the outset, as single parents...for many of us we don't ask to be alone it comes out of nowhere like a fast car, and the rejection and shame that comes with it is sometimes unbearable but God knows and see's our pain, and meets our need. My kids needed a family, they needed to see healthy families and feel loved and secure, because at the time they felt abandoned by their father, -they felt like it was their falt. My son struggled well into his teens with the fear that it was his fault that his father left. How could a child take on such a burden? My two older children struggled with abandonment and carried anxiety for most of their adolescence for fear of losing me. I hardly went out when they were young, and made sure to only do things on the weekends they went to their fathers; so that I would always be there for them or at least in the house while they played outside so they knew I was close by. And my youngest who was just a year old when he left the home, never knew what it was like to have a family unit. She never got to see her father at his best and watch him love her mother as a husband should. But it was in our church that she was able to sense the love a family unit can bring and Bella was one of the favorites in the nursery and later the toddlers and preschool classes as she grew. She was such a happy little girl with a beaming smile. She became a real prayer warrior as well leading most of our dinner time prayers (or any prayer time for that matter)...and boy were they long! Haha!

Being alone...This I must admit is the sorest spot, -the fact that being a single parent is a very lonely path. Not the kind that has to do with being the sole provider for your family, or family outings without a spouse, or even attending church without a husband. What I am speaking of is the intimacy part.

-And the LORD God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him. Gen. 2:18 KJ   -Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man 1Cor 11:9

As a young girl I was very aware of boys. I had frequent crushes, and by the time I was in high school I had a new crush every few months. I dated a lot so to speak. I didn't really like to have boyfriends too long because I quickly got bored and moved on to the next guy who caught my fancy. Maybe it was because I was in search for my "Suitable Mate." I thought I had found him at sixteen...I was in love with Chris R. but he was a senior and I was still a virgin and planned on staying that way till I was married...so we know how that goes. I continued dating and by the time I was a junior I had been crowned the name "Heart Breaker." I had no idea of course, I thought what I was doing was sifting through the sea of guys with hopes of finding the guy who would capture my heart, (or replace Chris) harmless right?

I was of course occupied with Cheer, Theatre, Work, and studies. I didn't have time for a relationship, just a few weeks would suit me. So I thought. At the end of my Junior year I met my Husband. The man who would win my heart and keep me. My "Suitable Mate." We were very much alike in that we were both interested in the same things Music, Acting, Dancing, and high on humor. We were both from single parent homes so had a deep understanding of one-another's struggles. We could talk for hours on the phone about anything; we were open and honest and playful in our conversation, -and for the most part, our marriage was a pretty successful one. I had loved him with an undying love. He was my first intimately and my last (so far). I have tried to remain a re-virgin even after knowing what a beautiful thing intimacy is. And that is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. This thing called "sex" or "making love." it is one of the truest gifts God could give his children. To become one with the person you are suitable for the person you have given your life to is all together lovely, or as they say in Sleepless in Seattle, "It's like Magic."

It's not like sleeping with someone who is just an acquaintance or a person one has dated for a few weeks because honestly I have "almost" done that more than once. When one is with their spouse intimately the person that knows all (or most of) their secrets, life's dreams/goals, life's pain, struggles, temptations, and history. The person who know's you better than you know yourself (at times) the person who believes in you and loves you despite your flaws in body and soul. Having sex is or could be a magical thing. That is when I realize I am alone. When I can't have those long conversation's or playful fights, I can't wake up my husband because I am in the mood, I can't welcome him home with a quickie (as we called it) or 5minustes of fun. I can't enjoy a night of long passionate love making enjoying his strong (at the time) frame over my weak frail body. The security it gives a woman is indescribable. To feel my husband inside of me, the man who said he would love me "for as long as I shall live, through sickness, and health, good time's and bad till death do us part," was beautiful, this is the hardest part, (not that I desire him any longer, I have since gotten over him because of his betrayal and change of person). It has been that feeling of wondering will I ever find another, is he out there, is there a man I am suitable for...and he for me? Especially one who will see my family as a bonus not a burden.

Perhaps it is because God made me to be such a passionate woman, one of romance and fantasy. One who adores making a man feel loved, massaging him when he is tired after a long days work, laughing with him, or being playful, talking all night about life or even the random arguments to let out our stresses. To be touched by a man and feel my sense of womanhood. For him to hold me in his oaken arms so I can feel his heartbeat penetrate through my eardrum and speak to my heart; for his eyes to gaze into mine and captivate my soul. To be still with. Perhaps it is because I am an Artist and all of my sensory systems are heightened and I want him to superman me. For whatever reason, that desire to share life with someone is a deep one in me, and I have to take every day a moment at a time. No matter what anyone says..."You don't need a man to complete you or define you," or the best one, I hear the most (being a christian) "God is your husband now."  Haha...I have to laugh at how many times people have tried to make me feel secure with their words of sentiment.  After being married, being single is never the same. Of course there are the benefits of not having to answer to anyone, making my own choices on Ice cream...I mean I can finally buy Rocky Road or Mocha almond fudge!! Because I love crunchy in my ice cream and he didn't! But really love is compromise. I miss even that. I can rearrange my furniture, or go to the Movies at a moments notice,  I can get my hair done without him telling me I spent too much money. Haha... really those things are meaningless over sharing life with someone...sharing the joy and intimacy marriage brings. God was no fool in saying ..."It is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a partner suitable for him." Granted, I do not wish to settle with a man simply out of convenience or loneliness (trust me I almost have) it makes life that much more difficult to wait. And one thing I often hear whispered in my ear is..."My grace is sufficient." 

Being alone, is my reality. I have had to learn how to be alone again, even if I don't like it. I will say with all sincerity, I have learned more about myself these last ten years...(nearing eleven this coming January 1st 2013), than I have ever known as a child, girl, young adult, and married woman. I have learned that without God it is impossible to make it through life's ebbs and flows. He has given me the strength to persevere in every season of life. To discover myself in all my capacities, -to value life and appreciate every waking moment I have with my children, family, and the friends he has brought into my life, even my customers at work who have become like family, walking outside, hiking in nature going on my jogs as the darkness sets in, and being creative. To appreciate the small beauties of fallen rain, flowing leaves, and peculiar squirrels that rule our city streets. To taste, to touch, to listen, to see, and smell...I have relearned alone, this has been life's truest blessing ironically. Because though we go it alone, feel alone, and physically are alone..."We are not truly alone." Though God is not tangible, he has been my companion through life because in reality nothing is for certain but He is, and life is a blink...some things are for seasons and then we die.  So in whatever place you are right now hold on to one thought..."My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strenth is made perfect in weakness...2Cor. 12:9 

SingleMotherness: At The Waterside

SingleMotherness: At The Waterside:                                                                                                                                          ...

At The Waterside

                                                                

                                                                                                                                                                     

At The Waterside
by Melissa Lynn Luce

His mood influx by and by the riverbed,
gracious in sound, gracious in step
his love flowed at the waterside as we did tread.

I lift my dress, my toes step towards the stone ahead,
he took my hand and said
"May I carry you to the other side, close to my heart where love resides?"

My hand did tremble like a leaf, I spoke not a word...
yet nodded please. 
And in his eyes I found relief.

My feet in mid-air, my body embraced with care,
I lay my head upon his chest to hear his heart speak the rest...

His mood influx by and by the riverbed
gracious in sound, gracious in step
his love flowed at the waterside as we did tread.