"I forgive you."

On the other end of the cell was a man's voice,  the man who was once, my spouse, my groom. Yet had become the Antagonist in my life. His voice crackled as tears formed in his eyes. If I had not gone through what I had these past three months my heart would not have been soft enough, nor humble enough to receive his apology. To break through the barrier of my resentment and say..."I forgive you."

A top the Garcia Trail in Glendora Ca. is a cross with a prayer box.

My chest ached from the callousness that had formed around it for nearly eleven years. I felt it, the spirit of forgiveness was inside these four walls of stone crying to get out. I felt it caged inside like a prisoner. I felt that young girl inside afraid, ashamed, and insecure. I felt her in there saying..."I forgive you M," I forgive you for taking away my dreams...I forgive you for making me believe that you would love me for the rest of your life and be the father to our children...provider, protector, and lover." "I forgive you for choosing the woman who would lead you to destruction, and for allowing your family to be nomads while you caroused, and spent our money on worthless things...for turning your back on your children, for nearly beating me that night, for making my life hell. I forgive you for all the times you called yelling at me, and trying to turn me from my faith." 

M's voice altered from tears and regret -for not listening to me when I asked him back then..."Please come home." He told me those are the words that echoe in his mind as of late, -that day he sat on my bed and I on the work-out bench in my room across from him.  I was just 27 then, (at my first apartment) I held Bella our youngest on my lap, as he stared at me with glass eyes. I could not even see my reflection, just darkness and emptiness of soul. I begged him quietly to come home, and he coldly said, "I can't."  Now nearly eleven years later, those are the words that echo in his mind as he faces the same thing "Please come home." He said the humility on my face and in my voice was what he recalls most. M is now reaping all that he sowed these 10 1/2 years.  He is now empty and facing homelessness this very night, admitting this all to me, as a cry for forgiveness.

(The woman he left me for has now left him for someone else. He had given his life to her and lived with her all this time raising their son and her son from a previous relationship and now she has told him to leave. He is jobless, carless, and now homeless. He said he packed his back-pack and is ready to face his lot. But he wanted my forgiveness and to hear my voice first. He craved that human connection, that listening ear because almost everyone in his life has shut him out or given up on him).

I felt it ironic that I had just written a song of the very thing he would be facing, something I had experienced in my time walking and taking the bus everywhere while my license was suspended this past 3mos. (see Waiting & Scented Candles Blog)

 Here are the lyrics I wrote just before M called.

The road is narrow ahead
summers overstayed it's welcome, the blue moon stained red.
You go it alone cos no one is home this time

The street is so loud
the stranger's crowed around
the heat presses in
unfamiliar sound
to be alone again
to be alone again

You and your travel'n shoes
worn to the pavement 
but you refuse to let that stop you 
whistle'n to the sound of your heart race'n you're gonna reach the end

You go it alone cos no one is home this time
You go it alone cos no one is home this time

I told him about the song, and how ironic it was that he would say he would be living on the streets for a while. He asked me to sing it to him, so I did. I felt that it was something God wanted him to hear, perhaps words that would echo in his heart in weeks to come. "Perhaps going it alone and wearing out his shoe's on the pavement is the very thing that will bring him back to the Lord," -I thought to myself as he talked.  Perhaps he will be as the prodigal son, who used all of his inheritance on indulging and feeding the flesh only to find himself empty and homeless. Just as the prodigal son who came crawling back to his father -literally, M will too, come back to his father, -God. -Luke 15:11-32  I don't know that for sure, -but I do remember the prayers the kids and I prayed and I know God is faithful to remember too. I do not wish for M to be my husband again. But I do wish for him to be right with God and be a father to his children. A father they could have faith in again and look up to. A father they could come to for prayer and guidance.

I felt M's pain, and loss.  I remembered my pain, and fear of going it alone, and knew this was now something he must face as a part of his reaping. We talked for a good hour, and I still felt very distant from the man I once knew but I felt the presence of God showing me how to love and forgive. I believe it was a part of my healing, a part of my growing and a great thorn being removed from my heart. The sin of bitterness, and unforgivingness.  I told M that I have felt resentfulness towards him and anger for all that the children and I have gone through, and how I gave up my dreams for him to start a family only to be betrayed and abandon, left with the responsibility of parenting alone.

 But I also told him that it is what God permitted in my life so that I could grow up, and mature in my faith. It was God who knew I could handle this burden, it was God who took me through this desert time, just as Moses or Joseph who suffered with loss of home and family (Genesis) to become the men that God desired them to be. To be used for greater things. I could not have become the woman I am today without the stripping of all that was dear to me. It is through much pain and loss that patience, and humility are born; strength of character and faith in God.  Truly the past three months has softened me, and now looking back...I see that it was for my own good, that it prepared my heart for tonight. I see, that I needed to forgive in order to truly move forward.

M told me all he needed to hear was the words, "I forgive and love you." He needed that affirmation. I didn't want to. My flesh that is. My sinful nature wrestled within. "No, don't say it! You can't because it's not true!" But my spirit...said, "Yes M, I forgive you, and I love you, not that man you are now, but your soul...the man who is the father of our children...that man I once knew, I love." 

Before I told him those three words, I told him how thankful I was that God has blessed our children despite all they have gone through -they turned out amazing. They don't drink, and party, and run the streets and sleep around. They are not into drugs and getting into trouble, but rather they are creative, and happy. They live fulfilled lives through serving others and attending youth group, busying themselves with fun activities and the Arts. I cannot thank God enough for keeping their hearts so tender and humble.

And then came that moment, the moment I was avoiding...before hanging up. I knew I needed to tell him and mean it, and he was waiting for it though he insecurely said -"You don't have to say it Melissa, but it would sure be great to hear it." I felt that stone wall in my heart cracking as the words tried to escape. I asked God to give me the courage to say it, and He did...    "I forgive you M, and I love you."  

Yes I cried afterward, even now as I write this Blog, my heart is still tender. After we hung up, the story of my grief, the burden I have been caring was now released. I wanted to cry and cry...but I knew I needed to go to my son and tell him, I knew this would help him heal too. One image that remained in my mind while I spoke to M was that image of our son's face looking up at his father with hope...that last look before it was crushed by their marred relationship. The betrayal of a father walking out on his son...left to figure out his manhood on his own. My son listened to me as I cried and told him what happened, he put his hand on my shoulder and found hope, that his father would one day find himself and God again. 

I have longed for the day I could release this burden. I wanted to know what it felt like because though I tried in the past, I could never quite achieve it, M would always do something else to anger me and cause me to lose hope. But now, I understand, and know forgiveness.