Today I wanted to share, as facebook asks "What's on your mind..." Being alone, is what's on my mind. I'm hoping this Blog will encourage you single-parents out there, for it is an arduous path, that no one can fully understand unless treaded upon, -not even the children of single parents can grasp the complexity of it, (Lord willing they will not have to later in life).
Stories vary from one single parent to the next, whether one child, two, three (like myself) or four, and God bless the parent who has five or more! The first struggle is going it alone, the second is feeling alone, and the third being alone. But the great new's is "We are not alone!"
The first time I realized I was going it alone... was my first night at my newly rented apartment, nearly 2mos after he left. A fear came over me that I could not describe. "Who will check the locks at night, who will protect us in case of an emergency, who will tuck the kids in bed and keep me warm?" I cried the night before moving into my new apartment with all of those fears swarming in my mind...I remember the phone call with my husband (at the time) crying about my fear of being alone at night. He smugly said, "You will be ok, I'm so sorry Melissa," (at the time we were still married and he left to be with his mistress). I had lost that sense of independence I had as a teen, since we had been married seven years just out of high school.
But something marvelous happened that first night, -after tucking the kids in bed and praying over them. I checked all the windows and locks and greeted the Moon that left some light above my home. I turned off all the light's except the bathroom for my kids, (and me) got on my knees and prayed before getting into bed. That night my sleep was jarred by my daughter groaning in bed. I quickly got up to check on her only to find the blankets pushed down to her feet. Lifting them to cover her, I heard a still small voice that whispered in my ear..."The LORD wakes you, to be your covering."
I gasped at the sound of this voice that felt so familiar. I immediately recalled my Pastor mentioning how God speaks to us in a "still small voice." The way he spoke to many of the Prophets and disciples in the Bible. It's just like a subtle breeze, so gentle you can miss it if you're not listening or not paying attention. I quickly ran to my room and wrote it in my Bible so that I would not forget or think it was just a dream. And sure enough the next morning there it was scribbled in the dark. "The LORD wakes you to be your covering."
I realized that it was God telling me, "You don't have to fear, just as you were covering your daughter to keep her warm and safe in the dark...I will be that for you and your family. I will be your covering, I will be your protection. You don't need a husband to do those things for you, I AM God. I AM your Covering, trust me." -He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust; his truth shall be thy shield and buckler Psalm 91:4 KJ -There has never been a night after that that I felt fear in my home (homes, I moved a lot:), I have had a peace that surpasses all understanding - and realized that I wasn't alone.
Feeling alone.... I had lived with my sister and her family for a short time before getting our own place, and hadn't been going to church since I didn't have a car yet and really didn't feel like going back, ( I had left my former church since I didn't want to answer any questions of where my husband was. He was a Youth Pastor, a man all the youth looked up to, a relatable guy because of his sense of humor and the fact that he was a talented Rap Artist set him apart. How could I explain to them that the Man they loved and looked up to had left his family to be with another woman. I wanted to protect them from being let down and could not bare to face the questions). One day my brother-in-law asked, "Why don't you and the kids just come to church with us...you're already getting counseling with the Pastor, -you should just come, you'll like it."
The first day I felt so out of place, a twenty-seven year old woman in her prime with a one, five, and six year old. Looking around with my timorous eyes I saw a sea of families and single's, I didn't notice any other single-mothers. It was a small church... kinda like a small town, -everybody knew everybody's business. So of course all eyes where on me. This new young woman with three "very" young kids WITHOUT a husband, -I stuck out like a sore thumb. Church's are full of "families" it's easier to spot a desolate woman over a woman who is attending church alone because her husband wanted to stay home for the Football game, over a woman who just lost her husband. I did feel very insecure, and very alone, and of course as soon as the worship service started so did my stream of tears and humiliation...anything could provoke me to cry since my heart was so delicate. I was a mess by the end of service. Red and puffy eyes, tissue's given by the woman next to me -who noticed my sniffling, and of course those sniffles turned into a downpour snot-full mess! Yes, sad to say every sunday and wednesday night (weeknight church) after that was a snot-full mess for at least that whole year. But crying is a good thing:) I must say though, the love that surrounded me was overwhelming. This church I had initially felt intimidated by took me and my children in as their own family.
- God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6 KJ
Soon enough I was welcomed to join the children's ministry and after a short time I joined the worship team, and later the drama ministry. I was slowly forgetting that we were alone. There were many family picnics and party's to attend my kids found safety in all the new friends they were making, -me as well, as I attended the women's bible studies gaining a strong sister-hood. We may appear alone on the outset, as single parents...for many of us we don't ask to be alone it comes out of nowhere like a fast car, and the rejection and shame that comes with it is sometimes unbearable but God knows and see's our pain, and meets our need. My kids needed a family, they needed to see healthy families and feel loved and secure, because at the time they felt abandoned by their father, -they felt like it was their falt. My son struggled well into his teens with the fear that it was his fault that his father left. How could a child take on such a burden? My two older children struggled with abandonment and carried anxiety for most of their adolescence for fear of losing me. I hardly went out when they were young, and made sure to only do things on the weekends they went to their fathers; so that I would always be there for them or at least in the house while they played outside so they knew I was close by. And my youngest who was just a year old when he left the home, never knew what it was like to have a family unit. She never got to see her father at his best and watch him love her mother as a husband should. But it was in our church that she was able to sense the love a family unit can bring and Bella was one of the favorites in the nursery and later the toddlers and preschool classes as she grew. She was such a happy little girl with a beaming smile. She became a real prayer warrior as well leading most of our dinner time prayers (or any prayer time for that matter)...and boy were they long! Haha!
Being alone...This I must admit is the sorest spot, -the fact that being a single parent is a very lonely path. Not the kind that has to do with being the sole provider for your family, or family outings without a spouse, or even attending church without a husband. What I am speaking of is the intimacy part.
-And the LORD God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him. Gen. 2:18 KJ -Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man 1Cor 11:9
As a young girl I was very aware of boys. I had frequent crushes, and by the time I was in high school I had a new crush every few months. I dated a lot so to speak. I didn't really like to have boyfriends too long because I quickly got bored and moved on to the next guy who caught my fancy. Maybe it was because I was in search for my "Suitable Mate." I thought I had found him at sixteen...I was in love with Chris R. but he was a senior and I was still a virgin and planned on staying that way till I was married...so we know how that goes. I continued dating and by the time I was a junior I had been crowned the name "Heart Breaker." I had no idea of course, I thought what I was doing was sifting through the sea of guys with hopes of finding the guy who would capture my heart, (or replace Chris) harmless right?
I was of course occupied with Cheer, Theatre, Work, and studies. I didn't have time for a relationship, just a few weeks would suit me. So I thought. At the end of my Junior year I met my Husband. The man who would win my heart and keep me. My "Suitable Mate." We were very much alike in that we were both interested in the same things Music, Acting, Dancing, and high on humor. We were both from single parent homes so had a deep understanding of one-another's struggles. We could talk for hours on the phone about anything; we were open and honest and playful in our conversation, -and for the most part, our marriage was a pretty successful one. I had loved him with an undying love. He was my first intimately and my last (so far). I have tried to remain a re-virgin even after knowing what a beautiful thing intimacy is. And that is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. This thing called "sex" or "making love." it is one of the truest gifts God could give his children. To become one with the person you are suitable for the person you have given your life to is all together lovely, or as they say in Sleepless in Seattle, "It's like Magic."
Perhaps it is because God made me to be such a passionate woman, one of romance and fantasy. One who adores making a man feel loved, massaging him when he is tired after a long days work, laughing with him, or being playful, talking all night about life or even the random arguments to let out our stresses. To be touched by a man and feel my sense of womanhood. For him to hold me in his oaken arms so I can feel his heartbeat penetrate through my eardrum and speak to my heart; for his eyes to gaze into mine and captivate my soul. To be still with. Perhaps it is because I am an Artist and all of my sensory systems are heightened and I want him to superman me. For whatever reason, that desire to share life with someone is a deep one in me, and I have to take every day a moment at a time. No matter what anyone says..."You don't need a man to complete you or define you," or the best one, I hear the most (being a christian) "God is your husband now." Haha...I have to laugh at how many times people have tried to make me feel secure with their words of sentiment. After being married, being single is never the same. Of course there are the benefits of not having to answer to anyone, making my own choices on Ice cream...I mean I can finally buy Rocky Road or Mocha almond fudge!! Because I love crunchy in my ice cream and he didn't! But really love is compromise. I miss even that. I can rearrange my furniture, or go to the Movies at a moments notice, I can get my hair done without him telling me I spent too much money. Haha... really those things are meaningless over sharing life with someone...sharing the joy and intimacy marriage brings. God was no fool in saying ..."It is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a partner suitable for him." Granted, I do not wish to settle with a man simply out of convenience or loneliness (trust me I almost have) it makes life that much more difficult to wait. And one thing I often hear whispered in my ear is..."My grace is sufficient."
Being alone, is my reality. I have had to learn how to be alone again, even if I don't like it. I will say with all sincerity, I have learned more about myself these last ten years...(nearing eleven this coming January 1st 2013), than I have ever known as a child, girl, young adult, and married woman. I have learned that without God it is impossible to make it through life's ebbs and flows. He has given me the strength to persevere in every season of life. To discover myself in all my capacities, -to value life and appreciate every waking moment I have with my children, family, and the friends he has brought into my life, even my customers at work who have become like family, walking outside, hiking in nature going on my jogs as the darkness sets in, and being creative. To appreciate the small beauties of fallen rain, flowing leaves, and peculiar squirrels that rule our city streets. To taste, to touch, to listen, to see, and smell...I have relearned alone, this has been life's truest blessing ironically. Because though we go it alone, feel alone, and physically are alone..."We are not truly alone." Though God is not tangible, he has been my companion through life because in reality nothing is for certain but He is, and life is a blink...some things are for seasons and then we die. So in whatever place you are right now hold on to one thought..."My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strenth is made perfect in weakness...2Cor. 12:9
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