Waiting & Scented Candles

Today marks about two months since I have been unable to drive my car. I almost lost heart because I received a letter in the mail from the courts saying they dismissed a ticket, (you know those annoying Red light tickets that get you on a yellow). I was hoping it was the courts freeing me from my suspended license after I sent in all my hospital records as proof that I was ill and in the hospital during the time my speeding ticket (going 49 in a 45 zone) was due... I missed/forgot the payment date last September 2011 when I took ill. 

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Last September 2011 I was very ill with Chronic Anemia. An Iron deficiency that attacks the Red Blood Cells. RBC's contain pigment called Haemoglobin that attach to oxygen and carry it within the blood to the tissues; when they get to an area the oxygen is needed they give it up and pick up carbon dioxide which they carry back to the lungs. 

 -info@Cancer Research UK

 It had slowly attacked my RBC's so much that everyday my body felt weaker and weaker, my bones ached and my chest bones felt like they were slowly breaking. I know it slowed the oxygen to my brain because despite my normal dorkiness -I was very forgetful and often lost my train of thought midway in conversation, it was often humiliating as I would stare into space or stammer my words.  Other symptoms were heart palpitations, shortness of breath, headache, anxiety, depression, and facial twitching. I had lost so much energy all I wanted to do was come home after work and lay in bed because my joints hurt so bad. I work (as I mentioned in previous Blog's) at a fast pace Coffee House. Multitasking and fast movements are a must. Despite my pain I forced myself to get through the 6 day work week, as well as driving my kids to and from school and attending my Woman's Study, Church, Improv Group and Acting Classes. 

Within three months time I began having emotional break downs crying a lot or yelling at my kids for the littlest things. I often felt lonely and that no one cared about me (this a symptom from my depression). We all knew it wasn't normal but just put up with it -I had delayed going to the Doctor's because life was just too busy for me and I really didn't want to spend the extra money for co-pay Doctor visits, -and the day quickly crept up on me. I bore with the pain still unaware how low my blood count had gotten -then the day I thought I was going to die hit me like a wall. I didn't know if it was a heart attack or what was happening to me. I could no longer gasp for air, my chest felt like it was going to crack in half and I had to wail out a cry just to breath in again, (My son had just come in the room when my girls knocked at the back door. I barely had enough strength to open it as I stood hunched over gasping for air. I think my son was in shock cos he stood there watching me, as the girls came in from Youth Group. My kids followed me in my room asking what was wrong. I cried out, "I don't know!! Earlier I had called my Mom and sister to let them know I had felt pain in my chest, and shortness of breath; my mom was on her way to take me into Urgent care). I fell over onto my bed, and let out a loud wail from the pain. I felt like it was the only way I could take my next breath. I know I had frightened my kids like never before. 

Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart -wait I say on the Lord. Psalm 27:14 KJ

 My Mom arrived within the first half hour of my call, we headed to the hospital just a block away. They got me in quickly and asked a series of questions took my vitals, etc...I could not keep from crying and apologizing for the inconvenience I was causing...I don't know why I was compelled to be so apologetic but I was. The pain in my body became so crippling that all I could do was shiver. After getting me in a hospital bed they proceeded to run more tests...and once I was admitted the tests continued. I was pricked, stuck, and had to drink a big jug of the "magic water"-every cavity of my body had a tube up it/in it the whole four days of my stay. Needless to say, I was spent and violated.;) After everything was ruled out...they realized my body was craving blood...yes...I am a Vampire;)) They fed me two units of Iron and then a unit of blood -diagnosis "Chronic Anemia." Attributed from my heavy menstrual cycles. ( I have had Anemia since I was a young girl but this was the worst it's ever hit me) I felt like it was a scene out of X Men or The Hulk...with all the tests and tubes and especially with the blood transfusion, I felt like I was Mutating with a strangers blood (thank you stranger for saving my life) shooting into my viens. If you have read my Blogs you know I have a big imagination:)).  My Haemoglobin had dropped from an 8 to 7 by the next day in the hospital, I was told that if I had waited one more day I could have died in my sleep, (A normal Woman's RBC is 12.1-15.1).

After I was released I had a series of Doctor's visits...I had spent $200. on Doctor visit's alone within the first month of my release (my co-pay is $30.).  My next decision was whether or not to have a full Hysterectomy. I opted on the more conservative route since I had just turned 37 and had only been married once. I couldn't imagine losing all of my womanly emotions and the future thought of Marrying again and not being able to have one more child (at least) was scary. November's Surgery came...I was prepped for a DNC and the insertion of the Mirena (a birth control that decreases my blood flow). September through December were very difficult. This illness had affected my health and finances. I soon faced an almost Eviction from my home as my Landlord showed no mercy over my late rent the following months. She was ruthless until her Father stepped in and took over as Landlord, (a family owned business). That was through much prayer from friends and family.

So now what I face is the reaping and sowing of forgetting to pay that speeding ticket while all that mess was going on. The Traffic Courts noted it as a "Failed to Pay," and sent it to the Courts Collections who show no mercy. Sometime in July I received the letter saying my license was suspended. After visiting the Court House numerous times I was told I must pay it in full before I could get my license reinstated. I sent a full statement of my situation to the court with documents regarding my hospital stay and visits; yet nada. It's been two months of taking the bus, walking, and carpooling; and we all know the tempts have been in the tripple digits, -so it's not too comfortable. I don't understand these hiccups in my life (tickets are not always deserved or fair and the fines are ridiculous) yet I have had to take responsibility for it. I have had to face the fact that I forgot all about it's due date and putting off going to the Doctors till it was nearly too late. And so here I am. Waiting for the day I get my Financial aid (from school) so that I could pay that fine that binds my freedom from driving....it would be a better senario if my child support was coming in regularly...but as trials/timing would have it...it's not. It's gone from a consistant bi-weekly to once a month half the amount two months now. So finances are not my friend. "Singlemotherness" 

 And so I wait....on the Lord. And decide to be thankful I am still alive to have these hardships? I guess. Maybe Heaven would have been better -then I would be a real Super Hero...flying and Morphing...haha I guess I will take earth and it's lovely trials that build character and faith, allow me to remain with my family, and give opportunity for others to come through for me. It is indeed a humbling experience to receive. It's so easy to be the giver...there is pride even in giving... but it is more humbling to be on the receiving end. I have been blessed in my life to be both the giver and receiver...and of course I would much rather be the giver. So I do it when I can!

After finding out the ticket that was dismissed (in the letter I received today) wasn't the one I had hoped for, the bigger one that suspended my license...I felt very downcast, and do you know what cheered me up, after my Niece drove me to Trader Joe's to pick up grocery's we made a stop at "Bath-n-Body Works" so I could buy some candles for my home, (I love scented candles:)) I found the most amazing scent called "White Barn" it is a mix of Nutmeg and Spice but has the most intoxicating sexy smell. haha I could not stop from giggling as I smelt the candle the whole way home. My Niece kept laughing at me cos I was so overjoyed by this Candle! It burns in my house now! My facebook post read.."If I could make love to this candle I would, it smells so good!" -paraphrased. I am thankful for the little things that keep my head afloat and my nose happy.  "Waiting & Scented Candles"