I walked to the Cinema last night, (actually the AMC Theatre). I like to call it the Cinema as the British do I like the sound of it:) I wanted badly to see "Total Recall," because Jessica Biel, and Kate Beckinsale our such powerhouse Actresses and it also inspires me to work harder at getting in shape.
There was a line in the Film that stuck out to me. Colin Ferrill's character Doug Qaid wanted desperately to know about his past to help him understand who he was today, and asked his nemesis Vilos Cohaagen, played by Bryan Cranston. "I need to know who I was, I want to know my history."
and Vilos replied, "Who you were doesn't matter. It's who you are today, at the present moment." -paraphrased
The line was similar to that, nonetheless it stuck out at me. We can know our history our personal story and journey and appreciate it or despise it. But it doesn't define who we are today. And even though my father lived a double life and basically shattered our dreams as a family...and then my husband did too...that does not define me. It does not say or demand me to be the same. In fact it requires me to rise out of the ashes. To come out of the tomb and be raised from the dead and live a resurrected life!
I have to allow my history the sin's of my father and ex-husband to be left in the grave and not allow myself to be buried with their mistakes. I have to allow those horrid memories to be put to death and rise from the ash. It isn't always an easy thing because they are always there to haunt and ridicule me; however I find peace in the truth of God's word that I am God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus. Eph. 2:10 I am not that workmanship of my father on earth nor my ex-husband. They do not define who I am today, even if they are a part of my history.
It's amazing how freeing it can become when we hold to truth. The truth that as a Single Mother you are who you choose to be. We can be a despondent lonely resentful mess...or a courageous optimistic compassionate servant to those who could learn from our experiences. I was almost burring myself in my woe's just a few weeks ago...on how tired I was of being alone, and having to bear the burden of provider, teacher, leader, nurturer, scheduler, taxi....you name it..when you're a Single-Mom you are all things, just about.
You see, I had forgot to pay a ticket from last year and it crept up on me 3weeks ago. Last September I was pretty ill with Chronic Anemia and was admitted into the hospital. My blood count had dropped to a 7 by my second day there. I was given units of Iron and an emergency blood transfusion. Suffice to say, I had to see a score of Doctor's after getting out and had a small surgery after they figured out my Anemia was attributed to heavy menstrual cycles... I forgot all about the due date of my ticket. So it went into collections and because I had a few other tickets I had already been taking care of that year I thought I was done with that drama, ( I live in a city that tickets you if you sneeze while driving, basically). Like I was saying it just crept up on me and they suspended my license...no driving until it's paid in full. And then as the old saying goes, when it rains it pours... my car wouldn't start. I haven't even had the energy to have my car looked at since I've been walking 6miles to work. On the Upside though! I have lost quite a bit of weight!! I tried on three pairs of jeans that barely went up to my thighs. They now go all the way up and I'm feeling way more energetic:)
I had gained a bit of weight after my illness last year. Not to much but enough to make me feel sluggish. I also have had to sport the same pair of jeans since I gained the weight. Nothing else was fitting me. I am encouraged though that I will go back down to at least a size 9 by September, ( I went up to a size 12 over the past year). Ideally though I could slim down a bit smaller and gain some muscle . I do have that Athletic frame since my dad had me playing sports all my life and that's a plus because my body always craves it.
I am hoping though that once night school kicks in and financial aid comes I can pay off my ticket and get my license back. I was worried since my kids start school early this year. It's back to the races in school traffic. I just realized though I have to take it one day at a time and not get worried. I have been without a car before and or broken down cars, so I have to remember I survived through it once, I can do it again!
Well, I guess this entry will be short...me and my youngest daughter have to walk to her school and get her registered. It's a hot one too...100ish degrees!! What a summer!
take care!
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