I don't really remember the day or how it happened with M. All I remember is that we fell fast in love. And thank's to my closeness with his cousin's H and L...we were able to spend a lot of fun times together. H and L loved that we were together that meant we were closer than just friends, we were like family. And since I already lost focus of my dreams and M became my new dream I knew that it was only a matter of time before we were married. Why did I feel this way? Was it because my dad left the home just before my 16th birthday? You see he was the one who pushed me. He was the one that made me a hard worker and athlete. My dad had dreamed of having a son, but instead had 3 daughters. So guess who had to learn how to play catch, dribble a ball, run the track, and lift weights..."we three girls."
Although we all learned the art of basketball, and other sports...He had invested a lot of time and money in me, taking me to summer basketball camp, and leagues. My older sister was growing a bit tired of him pushing her as her interest's grew with boys and friends, and my younger sister loved hanging out and learning too but she was usually playing on the outskirts till she was older. I was the daughter who he had outside everyday after work playing basketball rain or shine...drill after drill..."drive to the basket Melissa, let them foul you." he would repeat that over and over. He made me learn how to dribble with both hands...he taught me how to use all the weights in the garage, and how to sprint the track. He bought me a left handers mit for softball, (now that I didn't pursue since I was too afraid to get hit in the face with the ball). I found I loved to sweat and work hard. It was painful but It made me feel like a Super Hero, which played into my Dreamer side. I was competitive and maybe that's part of the reason I allowed my dad to push me so hard.
He put me in an all boy's basketball league in 6th grade. Our team was called "The Nuggets." I remember getting a few of the boy's on my team angry during practice because I was a better ball handler than most and outsmarted them. One guy proceeded to call me a b#*!! as he tried to hit me. They didn't like the idea of a girl on their team. I had asked my friend S to join the team so I wouldn't be the only girl. By the time I was in high school I was good enough to be Point Guard on the J.V. Team, my freshman year. Half way through the season I got sick with Anemia and had to sit out most of the games. I eventually lost my position. It was difficult for both of us to face. I felt like I let him down, but my body was too weak to play like before. I decided I wanted to get a job. I heard the Chuck E. Cheese by my school was hiring so at 15 1/2 I applied and was hired along with a few of my friends and my older sister I had talked into joining me, even my sister's boyfriend applied, (I worked there throughout high school). And by the end of my freshman year my father had gone to prison. It was a rough year. My sophomore year I couldn't bring myself to play anymore, I had lost interest. So I tried out for Cheer. I used the same work ethic my dad had taught me and practiced every day, and made the squad. It was a nice change...from tomboy to princess.
I didn't try out for any sports after my dad left, I pursued Cheer again my Junior year but this time I went out for Varsity Song...which gave me more opportunity to dance, that I loved. I made the team! I was so excited. It was a good year I had excelled in Art, Theatre and Song. The only thing is, I felt that empty place of not fulfilling my full potential in basketball. That's the sport I knew best and knew I was good at. I had been playing since I was able to dribble a ball. Eventually I grew tired of the Cheer Team, even though it's a fun sport sometimes there can be too much drama. I didn't want one more year of girls bad mouthing other girls...so my senior year I just focused on Theatre. I do believe if my dad hadn't left, I would have stuck with basketball every year and went to College with a scholarship. But life is what it is. We can't choose how other people's sin is going to affect us. We can only choose how we respond...And I felt lost without my dad pushing me. Especially since my Mom resented him for doing so, and now was too busy to pay attention to what I was doing with my life...since she had to be both Mother and Father. She did go see all of my Play's which she loved and bragged about to everyone. But she never encouraged me to try out for basketball again. I think it reminded her too much of my father. I will add this though regarding my Mother. She was and still is the most amazing and courageous Woman I know. She worked very hard to provide for us girls and make sure we all had plenty of love and support. And she is an amazing cook!
You see, from the start I loved The Arts, and wanted them badly. But my father loved sports and desperately wanted a Son...and I wanted to become that son for him in some way. And when he was gone I went back to what I truly loved, dancing, acting, music and art. It all wasn't a loss, because without the drive he instilled in me I probably wouldn't have been the fighter I am today when I need it most...as a Single Mom. Every time I go through a trial and hardship...I think back on the days I had to keep driving to the basket. Over and over again. My heart wants to fail so many times because it's hard making it in this day with this economy and the needs of kids nowadays is high maintenance. Thankfully my kids are understanding about the things we can't have as other families do. It is definitely difficult and sometimes seems unfair but they understand.
As I try to place the pieces of my puzzled life in order...why I decided to Marry so young and give up on all my dreams. I have to wonder did it all begin with my father?
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