2001: Allow me to go back to start. My youngest of three was having a hard time weaning off of my tired breast, just after her 1st birthday. My older two children then 4 1/2 and 6yrs old were growing weary of living like caged birds in my mother's small upstairs 2bedroom apartment as my family of 5 crammed into one bedroom awaiting Escrow to close on our very first home, (My husband and I thought it would be wise to move out of our apartment and save until the 30day Escrow closed). Unbeknownst to me, this would be the perfect transition into my "SingleMotherness."
I will never forget the day I asked my husband the dreaded words any wife wants to ask...the husbandman of her youth..."Are you having an affair?" And yet how can I. It was on January 1st 2001. A day that is supposed to be a celebration of a New Year. A fresh start...the day we begin all of our New Year's Resolutions.
We had a small gathering at my Mother's apartment that day. Our closest friends and my youngest sister and her family filled the tiny apartment. I had just had my 27th birthday the week before, (December 29th) and I was making my husbands favorite dinner, Chicken Enchilada's, and don't forget, Escrow was just about to close! What could possibly go wrong? All was on the up and up.
Let me rewind though. A few weeks prior to New Year's my husband began to rapidly change. And although I saw many red flags of something very wrong in "Whoville" (Myville)...I ignored them; however, my Mother's keen sense and experience with an unfaithful husband/past, did not. You see, I was reading through books like, "Loving God With All Your Mind, and Proverbs 31 Woman" by Elisabeth George, I was too concerned with how to be the best Christian Mother and Wife I could possibly be...not falling into the assumption that my husband was being unfaithful, (although I was having dreams and concerns, I disregarded them). And then there was my Mother, living under her roof gave her special insight into our lives. She took notice of his many late night out's and very early morning's to work.. the sudden phone calls that kept him down stairs on the side walk talking all night. I just wrote it off as him wanting to get fresh-air from his Mother-in-law.
(The soundbite "Mother's Intuition," is on the money)
I remember a few days prior to New year's day, I was watching the movie "Pearl Harbor." I sat there crying and thinking, how could Nev Tyler's character cheat on Ben Aflek. "How horrible! If I were her, I would try and find out if he was really alive and wait for him," the narration in my head. I remember the ache in my stomach and running my fingers over my wedding band. Then like a sign from heaven I noticed a strange crack just at the bottom of my ring. I took it off and studied it. It was bent and cracked. "How did that happen, I don't remember slamming or hitting my finger," I thought to myself. I didn't realize it was a sign of my broken marriage until after the fact...when I played that day over and over in my mind.
January 1st 2001, without giving all the horrid details of how I found out...let's just leave it at, this was the day he chose to bring the tea kettle to boil. And I was devastated. So devastated and in shock that I literally thought we were reenacting a movie scene. I basically thought it wasn't real and it was all a horrible practical joke I was playing on myself, and that when he said he had been having an affair for nearly 3mos I thought I was dreaming...and that I was about to wake up any minute. At one point I had to keep myself from laughing, (an out of body experience) because I thought it wasn't real. Then when it finally hit me... my tears wouldn't stop flowing, and all I could do was hold onto my mom and sob. Suffice to say...this began the day of my New Year's Resolution, to make it in the cruel world of "SingleMotherness."
I decided tonight to blog about my journey because now 10yrs later (I'm 37 heading to 38) I still don't have life as a Single-Mom figured out and it is still very much a struggle. I have had some very ugly misfortunes on the way, and I will share some of those as this blog progresses. I can only say with certainty that if it wasn't for my faith in God, family and some amazing friendship's along the way...I would have lost my mind, and at time's I almost did.
So that's all for tonight, I have an early 5am shift so I better get some shut eye.
Much love.
-M
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